I quite almost broke my nose today. Well, actually, Matthew quite almost broke my nose today. Remember the time me and him were having a wonderful day in the snow and he threw me on a pile of ice masquerading as a innocent soft pile of snow? Well, I was about to make a comment to him about it because I could see a quite similar occurrence... occurring... but it didn't. So I didn't. And two seconds later my nose was feeling the back of his head full on. We make up and play a lot of weird games that are very amusing to us... and not to anyone else. Like a finger war of who can open theirs while the other is holding them shut in a death grip. It's hard. Games like that. We were playing such game when he sat down and the back of his head came careening into my poor little nose. Crack. You heard it. He heard it. I felt it. Stars were shining pretty brilliantly in my eyes that time. Ice was quickly applied. And after my eyes stopped watering, I felt around to see if there was any serious damage. My first thought when it happened was, "Oh no! He pushed my nose into my brain and now I'm going to die!" Yeah, I can get kinda dramatic sometimes. Nothing was broken. Nothing is super swollen. And so far, there isn't even any bruising. That's what happens when you don't have much of a bridge to your nose. A blessing in disguise I suppose.

So my head still hurts. And I don't quite know what to do about it. I will soon go to bed for the night. I have so much to do and so little time to do it. Work is being... well... ridiculous. Next week I have to work 38 hours. That's right. So I'm calling in on Saturday if somebody doesn't take my shift. I feel I am entitled to that. That's right, I have a horrible work ethic. Next semester it should be better. I surely hope so. Pray I find a new job where I can have weekends off. I know that sounds too good to be true, but there are a lot of jobs like that. Nannying, schools, daycares, office work. I'll hopefully be able to find something. I really want my Saturdays free. I know, I'm lazy.

I have been falling more and more in love... with my ring! hehe. And the giver of the ring as well. We have been working through a lot of the small details in our relationship that needed to be sorted out before the wedding. This premarital counseling class we're in right now has really been helping. I am enjoying it too. I hope we can find a good couple to counsel us personally next semester. I'm sure in all of Lynchburg we'll be able to find someone.

Josh leaves for Iraq this weekend. Sad. It's so strange thinking that he'll be over there. Really. Everyone please be praying for him and for our family. Jamie will be in Texas all by herself. I definitely was not cut out to be a military wife. I couldn't handle all the moving around. And if he got sent somewhere to fight, I would be alone in the house all the time. I'm not a go outer and meet people kind of person. I'm a loner. People need to come to me. Selfish, I know. And pretty sad. Maybe Matt and I can make a trip out to visit her sometime.

Ok. My nose really hurts now. Bed time. Ok.

Engagement pictures... well... later today. But as I am still living as if it is Saturday, tomorrow. I'm nervous and super excited! I love photo shoots. And Mr. Jon McGehee promises a good time. I am so thankful we "found" him. It was such a blessing and he popped up right in the nick of time.

I have been "beautifying" all evening. I left Matt's a little early to pick out some new makeup for tomorrow. Kinda risky, buying brand new makeup the night before the actual photo shoot... but I decided to be a little creative. And I'm thinking I like the end result. I tried some new eye techniques etc and Savannah was impressed. As long as Matt has the same reaction I'll have no problems. Now here I sit face enmasked with green goo. Hardening by the second and clearing and cleansing my pores. Hopefully in the morning everything will be smooth and fine.

I have been stressing slightly over how to do my makeup and hair. The outfit I've had picked out since last year. I saw a pretty new sweater at The Gap and new it was my engagement picture sweater. That's why we decided to wait until autumn to take the pictures. Beautiful. And downtown lynchburg is such a beautiful area. Great broken down buildings, coblestones, courtyards and hallways. Beautiful. Lots of art to be captured and created in the morrow. I think I finally decided on a stormy makeup and straight straight hair. Very asian.

Love. To capture love in photo. I am so excited.

Beauty sleep. Next step.

So class registration opened this morning for seniors. Oh how good it feels to be a senior. Getting all the classes I need in the order I want them given their limited availability. I will have 4 on campus courses, that's 12 credits. And 1 DLP course, that's 3 credits, to be completed in March. Not too shabby for the last semester of undergrad. My schedule is not exactly what I would choose if this were a free world, unfortunately, there are only certain time frames available for specific classes required.

All my classes are on TR which will be nice. Definitely leaves MWF for work. Good productive work that will aid my career as a social worker. Not some meaningless toil and strife dealing with rich pansy smansies buying overpriced clothing. I get up bright and early to be at FACS 475 at 7:40 am. Immediately after this class comes FACS 330 at 9:15 am. A brief break after this. Hopefully I'll be able to get in a two hour nap or so in this time. Getting up that early just won't work nicely with my sleeping habits. I could adjust, but most likely they will stay the same with an additional 2 hour napper in the middle there. Next is Psyc 312 at 12:25 pm. Another break. I wish my classes could be all lumped together. And finally Soci 340 at 3:35 pm. So a long day, but the breaks in between should make it manageable. My DLP course is Psyc 345. Should make for an interesting semester. Now all I have to do is find myself a good job for the semester. I don't know who will want to hire me for just one semester, but I'm sure I'll be able to find something in the Lynchburg area. Maybe at a school or early learning center, or as a nanny, or at the hospital as a pre-caseworker, or as a counselor for the social system. I'm sure I can find something or another. Then hopefully it's on to join the staff of Liberty University in some way shape or form. Not entirely sure where quite yet, but I'm sure something will pop up.

Today was a pretty good day. Better than a lot I've been having lately. Matt and I had an enjoyable day together. We went for a "lovely" walk in the rain to his car after class. It was very cold outside today. It isn't extremely cold, but it is sudden. I hope the sunshine comes back out for Sunday when we have our engagement shots done. I really don't want to have to reschedule them. Maybe we'll take them regardless. We'll see. Matt and I huddled together as we braved the pelting raindrops and the murderous winds. I thought I was about to be whisked away to Mary Poppins land quite honestly. My sturdy umbrella kept me safe though. One should always be sure to have a good sturdy umbrella in one's possession. Especially in such days as these.

My new black down vest also came in the mail today. Yay. It's finally here. And I love it. It fits me super well and is very warm. It has front pockets with warm, soft fleece lining. It snaps up the front which is why I went looking for a new puffer. My old black puffer was a zip up. Not as fun. And there's a wonderful little fully functional pocket on the upper left side of the front. I love it. I am so happy with it. And it was a steal. Great price.

Something else I love. A Beautiful Mind. I finally found it! The last of my favorites on my list to buy. Although, my Raiders of the Lost Ark is currently missing. And when it is found the thief will be... well, it won't be pretty. Russell Crowe is pretty amazing. And I love love love Paul Bettany. Oh such a good movie. And such an inspiration. And so sad. I'm glad I'm not schizophrenic. I'm not sure how I would handle it. I'm not sure how I would survive quite honestly. I'm sure I would be on some heavy treatments and in some serious programs as well. God knew I wouldn't make a good schizo.

Today was a good day. And now I am dreadfully tired. And I don't even have to work tomorrow. What a blessing.

Tomorrow I am getting a good home-cooked meal with my favorite southern family. It will be a wonderful evening.

I love you.

My last class registration tomorrow. Of undergrad at least. Weird. I'm not stressed about it. 3 of the 4 classes I'm taking are only offered at one time, so I have to be signed in to it if I am to graduate. So they have to let me in if it happens to fill up before I get to it. So I don't see any problems arising. Unfortunately, I will have to have a 7:40 am class. Not fun. But it will be preparing me for getting up early for work I suppose. Which will be my life after next semester. All my classes are offered on TR too so I will have MWF completely free to work. Which I'm praying will be at a new and beneficial job. I'm really starting to seriously think about applying at the hospital. It looks more and more appealing every day. It's an option.

I got really frustrated today. Not slamming doors, breaking things angry... yes I have gotten to that point a few times this year. But on the verge of tears frustrated. Sometimes it seems like nothing goes right in my life. My wedding band came in today and we were originally given the wrong one so this one looks different. I like it... I think I actually like it better than the one I had before (the display ring they let us have until ours came in), but that's not the point. They told us we were paying for one thing and they made us and charged us for something different. It will all be ok though. It's still beautiful and it looks marvelous on my finger. It really does. The perfect width and height and everything else that a ring can be. I couldn't be happier. I'm just frustrated with Kay Jewelers lack of... well... professionalism. We've had not so good experiences with them. But it's almost over. I just have to order Matt's wedding band which shouldn't be as difficult as my rings, and get my rings resized and soldered together sometime before the wedding. I figure that whatever they mess up they have to fix at their expense. So I'm not worrying about it any longer.

I had a group meeting today for a group project due tomorrow. There are three of us in the group. One of the other girls definitely didn't show up. She didn't call or email or anything. And we had arranged to meet at that time because of her schedule. Yeah, not so fun. I think we have enough to go on without her information, I just hope she doesn't come in and repeat everything me and the other girl said. If she has information that is different than ours, she'll be more than welcome to share that. But we can't have repeating. Nope. I really like how Beth and my portions of the project came together though. It's on international adoption and both of us want to be international adoption caseworkers. So we're both passionate on the topic. We found two really good video clips that are about 2 minutes each so it won't take up much of our talking time. And we split up the topics well so it will go smoothly. I'm reading the letter from my birthmother to the class. I hope it goes over well. I'm afraid I'll start crying in the middle of it. I usually do. I think if I tear up a little it will be ok. Show how meaningful it is to adoptive children.

My mom bought me a little white prada purse. Yeah. I was pretty excited. It's going to be my wedding purse. I'll use it for the rehearsal and the ceremony days. Just to keep all my necessaries in. My personal attendants will probably be in charge of it since I won't want to actually be carrying it around! It will go so perfectly with everything else for the wedding. So excited.

Speaking of the wedding, my maid of honor is pretty much the most amazing person you'll ever meet. She is my absolute best friend and I don't know what I would do without her. She can always make me laugh even when we're both in the foulest of moods. She can always make things seem a little bit better even when it's the absolute worst case scenario. She always sympathizes even when I'm being utterly ridiculous. And she goes and sees Harry Potter with me even though I know she's not very interested in it anymore. She is kind and considerate and loving. She is friends with everybody and forgives easily. She always always has time for her friends. And she'll always think the best of you no matter what. My maid of honor is pretty much the most amazing person you'll ever meet. And I am so thankful for her.

I'm getting my hair cut in about 10 minutes. Whenever my Kristin is ready. We're gonna try out the layered look again. No bangs though. No more bangs unless I chop it all off. Which will definitely not be before the wedding. I hope it turns out well. I've never had a Kristin cut that I didn't like though.

Cheerio.

Jesus cares so much for me. He cares so much for you. He cares so much for all the faces, smiles, laughter, and tears in the world. His Word is forever telling us the story of just how much He cares for us. He even prayed for us. Each and every one of us. I have no doubt in my mind that as He prayed to His Father for us that each one of our faces reeled through his mind. He knew each of our names and each of our hearts. He knew our strengths and our weaknesses. He knew we would persecute Him, hate Him, and trample all over His sacrifice for us. Yet He still decided to love us and give us life through Him.

"My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are n me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you know in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them. "
John 17:20- 26

Jesus prayed for Himself, for strength. For His disciples, for protection and courage. And for the rest of the world whom He loved dearly, that we may know Him and the Father and that we would be unified as one.

How can I forget this? How can I go day to day feeling as if everyone and everything has it in for me when not so long ago an innocent man, the innocent man, gave me everything. He gave me life. He gave me freedom. He gave me love. He gave me hope.

I have been feeling kind of down lately about my friendships, the floundering and the flourishing alike. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a quality time love language. I like to be with people in small groups doing small simple fun things. I like to watch movies and laugh together. Or modpodge silliness together. Or just sit and talk and laugh about "the mathematical inpossibility of getting married" and such other topics as these. I do not like big crowds or loud noises. I quickly get uncomfortable in these circumstances and situations. I like to think that Jesus was a little bit like me. He liked the big crowds more than I do, but at times His closest friendships were strained. He constantly was misunderstood. He wanted to share with those closest to Him so much more than He could, for He knew they were not ready yet. But great things became of these friendship. John the apostle whom Jesus loved. Peter the weeping apostle. Thomas the doubter. Even Judas Iscariot, the rebellious. These were friends of Jesus. They each played significant roles in His life, His death, and His resurrection stories.

I should not take my friends for granted. Even in the hard times.

And my best friend of all, He'll be there for me no matter what. He was praying for me 2000 years ago before I even knew Him. He has always known and loved me. And He will always be there for me.

I have been in a greatly sad state lately. I have recently come to terms with the fact that I have an anger problem. I have tried and tried and tried to work things out with some of my nearest and dearest friends. I've begun feeling the loss of my "home" since I will never go home to live there again and it is very likely that my parents will no longer be living there much longer either. I'm doing horribly in my classes this semester due to laziness and non-interest. I have recently begun to doubt my future. And I have begun lashing out my fiance for every little thing that isn't even his fault. All of this thrown into one giant lump... I am a very sad little girl.

But tonight I was reminded of one thing to be thankful for. One constant. Sure, I have several things to be thankful for, but this thing is something I take for granted. My dear Abby. My best friend. My maid of honor. My favorite. Though we are now 800 miles apart and hardly see each other throughout the year, she can still bring a smile to my face when I am at my lowest. She knows just what to say and always has a listening and understanding ear. I can be as selfish as stupid and as mean as I want with her and she never judges me. She has always been patient with me and has never let me down. I am so thankful for my dear friend Abby and I take her for granted far too often. Why do I so often feel the need to have other friends to satisfy me? I am so blessed with just one true and loyal friend. I have more wonderful friends as well, but none like my Abby. I am more blessed with her than with anyone else. And so many people never find their one true and best friend.

I am thankful for my Abby. I am so glad she is in my life. I am so glad our lives have gone the ways they have so that right now, tonight, she was there to cheer me up when nothing else would have been able to. She was there to make me feel loved simply by listening to me. We didn't have to say much or spend an hour talking, we just had to say enough.

Life has its ups and downs and I have my share of the downs. But I also have many many ups that I need to focus on. The downs will come but you can't have a down without first having an up. Positive. Time to think positive.

I am finally done with statistics. I am very disappointed in myself for how poorly I did in the class overall... but right now, I AM DONE WITH STATISTICS! I think I may have hated this class more than Biology. I enjoyed the subject of Biology, I just couldn't remember anything on the tests. At least the material was interesting. But no, statistics is boring and useless. Ok, so stats is actually pretty important. But I still hate it.

I don't know what to do with myself now that both of my DLP classes are over. I like having this freedom. If only I could have freedom from work at J.Crew! Only a month or so longer. And at least I only work 2 days a week. I better be able to get a job next semester. A different job. Even it it's just nannying for a family at LCA. I'll have a clear schedule on MWF so nanny positions are welcome! It would be fun too. Tiring, but fun. As long as it's not J.Crew or Value City. Anything would be better than my last 2 jobs. Watch me get a horrible job that makes me miss J.Crew. I hope not.

I'm thinking about reorganizing my room. I'm bored with it. Just a little bit though. We'll see. I'm a little too lazy I think. Maybe next semester, if I don't move off campus completely. If Liberty decides to suddenly like me.

I'm doing my laundry. I enjoy doing the laundry. And cleaning the dishes by hand. Shame I don't have the opportunity to do either very often. And it is a pain to have to do my laundry in the building next door. It was so nice when there was a laundry room right on our hall. Oh for the days of 33-1.

Ok, movie time. Yes, another movie. Because the wonderful night with my friends became... well, sadly cut short due to one thing or another.

At least my fiance isn't in jail with his friends... yet. But that's a story for another post.

I am in an extremely good mood.

I've been waiting for a nice black puffer vest with snaps down the front to come back to Gap. I stupidly did not purchase one the last time they had one. Last year they only had zip-ups and that is entirely out of the question. So there is one at Gap. Of course, the Lynchburg store did not have any XS. So I would have had to order it. Since I am a card holder I wanted to wait until the first Tuesday of the month to get 10% off. But... last night I found one on ebay for a 1/3 of the price in store! I jumped on it. And tonight... at 8:38 pm... I won it! So in about a week I will be the proud owner of a beautiful black puffer vest for this winter! Now you ask, don't I have an entirely useful brown vest already? Yes, yes I do. But I have kinda grown out of my brown phase. Black is in. Black coat, black shoes, black belt, black vest!

I also discovered a wonderful new mouse for my laptop tonight. I wanted one that had a cable to connect to the USB ports. The batteries on my cordless one kept running out. So I found the perfect mouse. It's amazing.

And we had premarital counseling tonight.

And tomorrow I'm going out to dinner with my two best friends.

I am happy and content.

Goodnight.

I was going through my old xanga site from highschool (awww, my very first blog!) and stumbled across this. I didn't change any of the questions... so some of them are a little old fashioned. But just for fun...

[01.] Eyeliner or mascara? mascara is a must everyday, eyeliner most every day, when i didn't over sleep
[02.] Disney films or gore films? disney, hands down
[03.] Skirts or jeans? skirts, oh la la
[04.] Socks or leggings? never ever leggings
[05.] Hoodies or jackets? jackets, flare and class
[06.] Heels or sneakers? heels, i only wear sneakers to the gym
[07.] Straight or curly hair? whatever is natural
[08.] Hoop or dangling earrings? dangly with colorful beading
[09.] Side bangs or one lengthed? both, worn at the appropriate times
[10.] Pink or Purple? pink, always always pink
[11.] Car or Truck? Jeep
[12.] Smoothies or lattes? smoothies, fruity and sweet and leaves your breath smelling great
[13.] Diet or regular sodas? i prefer diet coke to coke, but everything else regular
[14.] Water or daiquiris? water, always always water
[15.] Diamonds or pearls? the only diamonds i'm interested in is the one of my left finger and hopefully a tennis bracelet someday. everything else in pearls
[16.] Marykate or Ashley Olsen? Ashley, the blonde is better and the sanity is a plus
[17.] This or That? this
[18.] Ipod or cell phone? cell phone
[19.] Friends or family? my family are like my friends and my friends are like my family
[20.] Lip gloss or chapstick? chapstick, i finally have gone more natural
[21.] Love or peace? love, it brings peace
(apparently there is no 22)
[23.] Sunglasses or purses? i need both. all the time

WHAT YOU HAVE...
[x] MP3 player/ipod/anything like that. i have two ipods, a 60GB and a pretty green nano
[ ] Tiffany's jewelry. completely unnecessary
[x] Computer. a HP notebook, perfection
[x] A CD player. in perfect condition, but a little obsolete now
[x] A stereo. gathering dust in the corner of my old bedroom
[x] A Spice Girls CD. every teenage girl wanted to be a spice girl, we all danced around the living room to spice world
[x] A Cosmo magazine. though shape and brides are my must reads
[x] A teddy bear. rufus is still MIA
[x] A Build-a-Bear. two, from mackinaw city the original build-a-bear, much better than the chain
[x] A Coach purse. an investment in my happiness
[x] A Hot Topic shirt. amaze you?
[] An Aeropostale shirt.
[ ] The Mean Girls DVD.
[x] a TV in my room. I took it home since i can watch dvds on my computer and stations don't come through the dorms very well
[x] Diamond earrings. i have one at least, the other one has gone a missing
[x] Diamond ring. it's perfect and everything i've ever wanted
[x] A pearl necklace. from my grma and my dad is getting me one for the wedding
[x] A Homecoming/Prom dress. several that are probably never going to be worn again
[x] A book. more than i know what to do with
[x] A MySpace. that needs to be deleted
[x] Perfume. Banana Republic Classic
[ ] G-Unit sneakers.
[x] A black shirt. several
[x] Abercrombie shirt. i used to shop here, the clothes still fit, so i've kept them
[x] Black nail polish. i like it, and i don't look goth

GIRL KNOWLEDGE

* Do you know exactly where the blush goes? yes, but i wear it a little differently than the pros would apply it
* Would you say you know how to put on make-up? yes, i'm even getting better at the eyes
* Do you know how to french braid? yes, it gives me some curls in the morning time
* Do you wash your face at least once a day? yes, twice a day always and sometimes more than that
* Do you use an eyelash curler? yes, my eyelashes would go together into my eye if i didn't, not even joking. the curse of the asians
* Do you use waterproof mascara? yes, just for fun

I'm so glad I meant to come back on my break and take a nap and all I've done is... anything BUT nap! Oh well, I got about 7 hours of sleep last night. That should keep me going until after prayer group tonight. And if not, I guess I don't need to watch 2 movies in between now and then. *wink* Yes, I have been averaging 2 movies per night for this semester. I just seem to have lots of extra time on my hands. But I'll also be getting 3 B's this semester. Unacceptable. I should be getting all A's. I have extremely easy classes. That just makes me come off as being so much more lazy. Oh well, I have a great GPA and a few measly little B's definitely won't hurt it.

I have a final to take sometime int he next three days... and then two of my classes are over! Leaving me with my 9 on campus credits and my internship which is another 3 credits. Not too bad. And I only have a few more weeks left of my internship. Sad, but it will definitely be nice to have Mondays and Wednesdays off. I wish I could quite work and have weekends off as well... but money is necessary in life as we know it. I wish I were Amish sometimes. But I have a friend who is Amish and he works at J.Crew a lot more often than I do. So money must be necessary even for the Amish nowadays. Sad.

It's time to register for classes again. Coming up in the next week. The difficulty being, two of the classes I wanted to take are not being offered and two of them are only offered at one time and with limited space. All of these courses are upper levels and required for my major or minor. This coming semester being my last this poses a slight problem. Hopefully they'll let me do the courses I want independent study. That should give me plenty of free time and less group projects! I hate group projects. We'll see on October 25th how my schedule will look. So far I'll have TR classes only, which is what I wanted. I'll have to wake up earlier than I've ever had to for college, but I need to get used to waking early I suppose. And that will leave me with MWF to work... hopefully not at J.Crew. I should be able to find something in the city of Lynchburg to do. I think I'll apply at the Hospital doing what Matt's doing now. He'll be promoted next semester and the money we'll both be making on the psych ward will definitely help out with our future. So next semester could potentially be amazing. Even though I'll have to be going to bed earlier.

That also brings me to the issue of living conditions. Do I try to get approved to move off campus again, or do I simply stay on and cherish my last semester in the dorms? I could also consider moving to a different dorm, a nicer one. One with more walls so the happenings of the hall are not right outside my door. Seriously, do people really NEED to be screaming at midnight? I don't think so.

I know I complain an awful lot about school and such, but honestly, I'm really going to miss it. I know, I'm hopefully going to do my Masters in the next year at Liberty. But that will be an online program. All my courses will be online, so very little class interaction. And the assignments are so different for online course than for in class ones. It's time to stop being a student and start working and building my career. But I have decided, that if Matt and I are wise with our spending and the Lord continues to bless us, I do not want to return to work after having children until after we have an empty nest. And maybe not even after that. I would like to be involved at church. Maybe i could work for the church as a woman's counselor or something. Something meaningful where my hours would be flexible. I know, that seems lazy and selfish, but my mom did it and his mom did it for awhile. It's the image I have of mother. And as long as we are wise with our money and we save when we need to and spend when we need to, we should be able to live a comfortable and happy life off of just one income.

One more class today. Then a Walmart run for some necessaries. Then hitting the gym. I stretched for about an hour last night after doing my pilates. My pulled muscles are finally starting to loosen and be usable again. So I'll give the gym another try and this time go easy on the weights. My poor little legs don't need to be tightened or buffed up that much. I just got a little over excited I think. haha. Oh the gym, how I hate and love it.

35 weeks until the wedding. Seems soon, huh? I know!

It's that time in the semester. Midterms are here. And no matter how much we hate them, they won't be going away anytime soon. The grades will soon be posted and I am sure I will pay for my procrastination. I'm not too worried about it though. It's senior year, I'm getting good enough grades to maintain my GPA, and I'm sure everything will work out just fine. But still, I don't like taking midterms. I would much rather have 4 tests spread out over the semester than just one midterm and one final. That's so... final. If you get a few wrong on one of four tests is no big deal. But if you get a few wrong on the midterm and the final... well, it's pretty much all over. Not really, but it is more dramatic that way isn't it?

The class schedule for next spring is up. I can register in a week and a half. Problem being, not all the classes I need are being offered. Which is odd since they are all upper level senior classes. I don't know quite what I'm going to do. I wouldn't mind doing them independent study, but that seems so pointless. I wouldn't mind not having to do group projects, but it would take all the fun out of college. And I would be all the worse at procrastinating. We shall see. I'll have to speak to my advisor about this business. Maybe I can get these classes put on the schedule. They think I won't graduate in spring, well they're dead wrong!

It's finally starting to feel like autumn down here in Lynchburg, VA. It has been 90s the past few days. Not exactly the October weather I am used to being a native Michiginian! (they DID officially change it to Michiginian from Michigander a few years ago. I prefer Michiginian to sounding like some lame duck any day, but those of you who refuse to switch... well, go ahead you pack of geese) I finally got to pull out a new sweater and layer on one of my birthday pashminas. Beautiful combination. I am so excited for the autumn. I hope it sticks around instead of creeping back and forth from summer to autumn as Virginia is so accustomed to doing.

I am working at a pre-adoption seminar this weekend. Extra hours for my internship and my CSER credit for the semester. (that's Christian Service for all of you non-Liberty folks) It should be a lot of fun. We have 7 prospective couples coming in from all over. There will be dinners and special presentation and some boring paperwork. The family I babysat for last year is one of the speakers. That will be fun to see them again and update them on the wedding plans and everything. I really am enjoying this internship. I'm thinking about doing another one in a different agency next semester. It has been so eye opening and will be great experience when I go to apply for future jobs and even for my MSW someday.

I have been corresponding with the chief of the campus police force. I had some difficulty with the office lately. Now I know that whenever I have problems in future just to contact him straight away instead of trying to get answers and assistance from other petty officers. They are of no assistance and usually have no idea what they are talking about. They are rude and very unprofessional. The chief of police seems to be willing to help students and not belittle them. And he knows the actual rules and regulations of the campus. I'm finally going to get things taken care of from last spring and this fall. The LUPD wonder why none of the students like them. Well, I can explain why and I did so with the chief of police. And we are finally seeing some action.

I'm supposed to be studying for my midterm at 2. But I'm not . I'm wasting time on the internet. I just don't like studying. I usually do just as well when I don't study as when I do, so I figure, why bother? Especially when I pay attention in class and it's fairly simple material for me anyways? I enjoy school and it doesn't come difficult for me. I guess that is a blessing. I should be more thankful for that.

There's a lot of things I should be more thankful for. Like having a large abundance of sweaters to choose from this morning. And having a new scarf to keep me warm walking to and from class. A lot of others do not have these luxuries. A lot of other students have hardly any clothes for cooler weather as they come from warmer climates. I should count my blessings. And be thankful. It's almost Thanksgiving anyhow. I need to start having a thankful heart. Because, as Junior Asparagus teaches children everywhere, A Thankful Heart is a Happy Heart.

I like to hide my feelings from people. Even though I'm not very good at it. People have always been able to tell when I'm feeling sad or angry or lonely just by looking at me, even if I'm smiling on the outside. I guess that's ok with me. Maybe that way I'll have someone to cry with or vent with or be with instead of the former. But still, I don't like just coming out and telling people how I feel.

Friendship is a lot like marriage. Good and bad. And I just feel like I've had enough of friendships. I love my friends, don't get me wrong. I would do anything for my friends. And that's the whole point. And it kinda takes the glitz and glamour out of marriage when you look at it that way. But at the same time, there's a lot more to marriage than the friendship aspect. No, not the sex, although that's included too. But there's a deep companionship that never happens the same with friendships. There's an everlasting covenant. There's a special union God created just for us. I guess the magic is back.

Matt and I had our first pre-marital counseling session today. It's a class setting with one of the campus pastor's. Next semester we're going to try to do some more one-on-one counseling with either counseling couple or a pastor and his wife. This will be a good introductory class though. It will be fun I think. We meet with a bunch of other couples who are also engaged. It's fun to hear their stories and learn how they've grown together as a couple. One of Matt's friends and his new fiance (they just got engaged this past weekend!) are in the class too. Hopefully we'll be able to get to know them better.

Marriage is kind of scary when it comes down to it. Learning how to live with another person. I cherish the times I can go home and have my own room to myself and my big bed to sprawl out in. Not anymore after June 7. I'll always have to share everything and nothing will be just mine anymore. I won't have a bedroom to myself where I can go to cry when I'm sad or dance around in when I'm happy. (I get shy dancing around in front of other people, even Matt) I suppose life will adjust itself and I'll get used to it, and probably even prefer this new lifestyle, but still. I don't know how I feel about learning to cook and cleaning up everywhere and taking care of our puppy or kitten. We're not sure which we want to get yet. It'll be a lot of work. And I just know I'm going to be stubborn. Oh poor Matt.

I miss the old days. Isn't that how it always seems with me? Well, I miss senior year. I miss my highschool friends. But not enough to wish to go back. Ever. I just miss seeing them. Some I haven't seen in a few years. Hopefully they will all be able to make it to the wedding. A reunion of sorts. And I miss my old friends I've made here who are no longer at LU. I miss Whitney especially since I haven't seen her since freshman year. I miss Erika since I haven't seen her since last spring. I miss Stephanie since I haven't seen her since summertime. I miss Laura even though I'll hopefully be seeing her soon. I miss the old days. I miss my old friends. This is the hard part about growing up. I don't like change and I haven't been known to handle it super well, but I suppose a lot more will be changing in the next year. But oh well. what can ya do.

I'm really a happy and content person. Sometimes I write kinda mopey and emo. And I hate that. But it's good for the soul. I usually only journal when I'm feeling a little low. And this is what comes out. All my hearts hopes, dreams, and fears. Out on this screen for anyone in the world to read if they happen to stumble across the blog of notes and scribbles and Rebecca Eileen.

I wish for the life of the stories I read about or the screenplays I watch... I need to just start living my own. No more imaginings over fictional and hypotheticals. Well, some imaginings... but too much.

I'm getting married in 8 months. Not too far away. Pretty exciting. I can hardly wait.

I think a small part of me is dying! Or maybe a large part. I'm not so sure.

I have this searing pain in my gut. At first I thought it was my appendix... but I'm not sure. Or maybe kidney stones... I'm not sure. Or a bladder infection maybe... I'm just not sure. Or maybe it's a cyst... yuck. But it hurts. It woke me up at 3:30 am. Not fun. I couldn't get to sleep afterwards either. The meds didn't help. The heating pad didn't help. Nothing at all seemed to help. So I got little sleep and I have two midterms today. Not good.

My room is also a mess but I don't have the energy to clean it up right now. Maybe after my next class. I'll try to find some good food and try to make my abdomen feel a little better. Doubtful. I hate being at school and getting sick. If I go to the med center it's outrageously priced. But if I don't I may regret it later.

Yes, I think I am really, truly dying this time. Farewell my dear friends. And farewell even to those of you who are not lucky enough to be called my friends. I will miss you all! But heaven will sure be nice. I'll write you a letter about it. *wink*

Goodbye. Goodbye. Don't miss me too much!

I have been so incredibly blessed in life. And I am so ungrateful. This is one of the things I hate about myself. I'm working on it... but thankfulness has never come easy for me. You would think it would be the most natural thing in the world... but I have to remind myself to thank my friends, thank my family, and most importantly, thank my God.

Sometimes I wish I lived on FRIENDS... minus all the sex. Which would drastically change FRIENDS, I am aware, but just with their small circle of friends. Just six of them. It works out perfectly. I have always been a smaller group sort of person. I prefer one-on-one time actually. So a small group of about six is perfect for the likes of me. I find myself jealous of that group. The randomness that brought them together. But it is all so perfect. I have wonderful friends myself. I cannot complain in the least.

I overworked myself at the gym. Cardio was going well. I tried out my new jumprope. To my dismay, it is too long. That what I get for having short little legs I suppose. I tied a not in one end and it worked pretty well, I'll have to see if I can shorten it for good soon though. I love to jumprope. Brings back the good ole tennis days. And it's a fun and easy way to lose those annoying little extra pounds. I lose more when I jumprope than when I run. Maybe because I can jumprope longer... I don't know. As a trainer. But then... oh but then... I went to the weight room. I haven't been to the weight room since last semester. Yes, I've been lazy. Well, you know how you don't feel the burning of weightlifting until the next day or so? Well I started up lifting the same I had been doing at the end of last semester. And I didn't feel the burning so I just kept right on lifting. Did more than I normally did because I have my perfect body in my mind for the wedding. I went to the gym on Friday. Yesterday I had some pain in my overused muscles. Today was torture. I couldn't move. I literally could not move. Ask Matt. I'm sure I was just a pleasure to be with today. Note to self: I hate the gym.

I have been lazy all weekend. I've just piled my stuff all around since my roommates were no where to be found. But I'm sick of it. I'm picking everything up before bed. Which will be shortly after I end this entry.

Isn't my life so interesting to read about? Yes, I thought so too.

Fall Break. The first Fall Break Liberty has had in... well, I'm not exactly how long it's been. I've never had one. No one I've known who's attended here has had one. But this year, we're switching it up. We have Thursday and Friday off in October for a break. We still have a full week off for Thanksgiving. But we took off a week from our Christmas break... making it only 4 weeks long. Woe is us here on Liberty mountain. As if 4 weeks isn't long enough. (sense the sarcasm)

The campus is deserted. I am still here. I am working my regular hours on Friday and Saturday. Sure I could pick up a shift or two this weekend... especially tomorrow when I have nothing to do. But I won't. I need a break as well. I need some time to sleep in as late as I want and not have to worry about being anywhere at any particular time. Yes, tomorrow and Sunday will surely be nice. Tomorrow Matt and I are thinking about exploring the Devil's Marble Yard with his roommate and some old friends from good ole Dorm 11 (Matt's old hall). Neither of us has ever been but we hear it's a pretty cool place. We've become addicted to Survivor Man and Man vs. Wild, so we figure we should start to explore a little more of nature for ourselves. Since we're so equipped by Animal Planet and The Discovery Chanel now. (again, sarcasm included)

It is rather lonely. Having my two best friends go off together for the break. I was invited, but I knew I wouldn't be able to get off work. I took next weekend off to work a pre-adoption seminar for my internship. I'm really excited to go. But it still is yet another thing I'm missing out on this year. Oh growing up. How I despise certain aspects of it. I miss my friends. And I wish none of us had responsibilities so we could just spend lots and lots of time together. I don't know when that will be possible again.

I'm reading in Isaiah now. Again. I love the book of Isaiah. Most people find it a difficult read. Have you tried reading The Chronicles? I just can't get through Chronicles. Maybe it was my mistake to read it directly after having finished with the Samuels and the Kings. Yeah, it was probably my bad. But I enjoy Isaiah. It is so interesting. To see what Isaiah saw... and of course, it is not nearly as amazing. I am only imagining. I wish I could be a prophet. Only not really. That would make me very sad and afraid most likely. I am not cut out for the lifestyle. Not at all. Back to the topic. I am also reading one chapter out of proverbs a day for the month of October. Some do this every month that they can. Not for me though. I'm more of a Psalms kind of girl. Always leaves me feeling refreshed. But our campus leadership has been emphasizing the 31 in October... so I figured I'd give it a go. Hopefully it'll wisen me up. I need it.

Today I realized that this year is almost over. I have wasted most of it. I changed the verse at the bottom of this page to my theme verse for the year 2007. 2 Timothy 2:20-21. I chose this verse New Years Day and wanted it to be my goal. I wanted to put away my selfishness and my haughtiness and my feelings of entitlement and bitterness... and become a useful vessel for God in whatever way he chose to use me. And it has taken me this long to truly be satisfied with the place God has led me for this year. It has taken me this long to get over myself and realize that maybe, just maybe, God wasn't saying "no" to me, but He was simply saying "yes" to someone else. And I have been able to devote my time to my internship and my studies and my wedding planning which would have been a little unbearable if I would have taken on all that I wanted to. But one ministry closed and some other small ones opened up and I have not seen the blessings in my life until now. And that verse is so true in my life. I really have to work at staying positive in my situations. It has not been an easy semester for me... and it is not quite half way finished yet. But it being October, it is 10 months into the year. That is sad. It took me this long to truly allow God to work in whatever way he saw fit in my life. But now, I am giving everything over to Him. I want to be useful to Him. In BIG ways and SMALL.

I am very very tired. If I am going to go hiking around a big rocky mountain I should get some good sleep.

Everyone: I love you. I really, truly do. Not many people can say that. Especially about some of my friends. But I really, truly do love you. And I most likely always will. Even the one person who has hurt me so incredibly much and does not deserve my friendship... still have a large portion of my heart that no one else will ever be able to fill. Once my friend, always my friend. Sorry, you're stuck with me forever! I'll miss you. I'll always wait for you. And I'll always always think and pray about you. Friends are forever. Even if only in memory. And my memory paints a lovely picture of you and me. Me and you. And all the incredible adventures we had. Yes, as this paragraph progressed it was meant for one person alone. And most everyone who knows me will know who it is. And if *you* happen to stumble across this... today or tomorrow or 10 years from now... give me a call. I'll always welcome it with wide open arms. I love you and I always will and in a special place in my heart that is a part of my yesterdays, you are my best friend.

Good Night.

First issue: my letter to my birth mother. It is finally complete. I just need to print off some pictures to send with it. It is quite lengthy. It is 3 pages of my rose stationary. I had to edit it several times to get it down to just 3 pages. I figure, the first letter should be factual. I told her the highlights of my life and gave her a little peek at my personality. I hope as she and my birth sisters read the letter they laugh and smile as they realize I am just like them! I hope. So often it happens that way with birth families. I told her about my schooling and of course, about my engagement. It is difficult trying to write to her in a way that she'll understand. Korea is so different from America. Obviously, someone will translate the letter before she reads it, but I want it to be pretty much the exact same as my original writing. I cannot wait for her reply letter. I asked for us to keep writing letters until we can meet. Since I was about 11 I always thought I wanted to take a trip to Korea with my parents for my 21st birthday and meet my birth family. Well, I didn't take into account that I would be graduating college and getting married all in the same summer. Perhaps for my 23rd birthday we can make the trip. That way Matt and I will have had enough time to save up money for both of our trips and we hopefully won't be pregnant yet. We shall see. I am excited to get to know my birth mother and sisters more through their letters and I really hope they send some pictures with the next letter. I hope my birth mother has pictures of her and my birth father, who died in a car accident before I was born. It makes me sad. My birth mother said that since she gave me up her and my sisters have become Christians, which is a HUGE PRAISE. But that implies that they were not before, and that my birth father was not a believer. That makes me sad. But the fact that my living birth family are my sisters in Christ now is better than I ever could have hoped for!

Issue Dos: A little movie review. Since it is in the Dollar Theatre here in Lynchburg, I figure a lot of people have already seen the movie or have heard about it. But I'll still review it anyways. My friends and I went to see "Becoming Jane" today. Ugh~ my favorite Austen story yet. Most of the other girls didn't care too much for it because it didn't have a happy ending. Those stories are typically my favorite because that's how it really happens in real life. There aren't many movies out there like that. It was sad though. I grew to love Mr. Lefroy more than Mr. Darcy, or Mr. Knightley, or Mr. Ferrars. And that made it ever so much harder to accept the reality that was Miss Austen's life. It hardly seems fair that brilliant Elizabeth or cunning Emma or practical Elinor all end up with the men of their dreams. And the men that all the rest of us have fallen in love with both on paper and on screen. Poor Jane was left alone. Poor Jane was left broken hearted. Poor Jane was left to contemplate whether it truly is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Jane Austen penned the greatest chick flicks known to this day. She knew what women wanted. She developed marvelously charming characters women would lust after and seek. She had the greatest story of them all. She had the perfect man lacking nothing but the fortune to make their lives together possible. Oh to have Tom Lefroy. Yet it was not to be. Instead, she would re-create her story. She would pen into the mind his perfections. She would elaborate on the struggles on the day in finding the hearts true home. She would share her deepest dreams and imaginings of what could have been for the rest of the world. Poor Jane. I thank her for it. And I admire her strength. We all want a Fitzwilliam Darcy, a John Knightley, an Edward Ferrars, and mostly a Tom Lefroy... but Jane Austen showed us that life can be something different. She made something of herself. She did what was unthinkable in that days society. She became something. And we all love her for it. What would we do without her stories? I highly recommend "Becoming Jane". Seeing a different side of the author we all have come to love makes one enjoy and appreciate her stories so much more. Thank you, Jane.

Yes, I know. A little bit much. But I really loved the movie. It made me sad, in a happy way.

Time for bed. A little too late for me.