Monday, November 15, 2010


That is what my self esteem has been. Lower lower lowered. I guess that's what I get. In approximately five days (most likely 7 since it's Monday night and it only counts business days) this could potentially happen again. At least shipping is free.

So in case you didn't know, I hate hate hate my calves. For as long as I can remember I've had super, ultra muscular calves. Now girls tell me that they wish they had muscular calves and Matt says they're hot. I know that you all are lying. I've never ever looked at a girl with muscular calves and thought they looked good. Not that they weren't pretty, but they looked... sporty at best, butch at worst. That is how I always have pictured myself. I think they continue to grow in circumference as well because I look back at a few years ago and they didn't look so bad. Huh, back in high school pictures they didn't look that large either. Nothing compared to now. Sigh.

Anyways, so I hate my calves. Always have and probably always will. I've always had a hard time buying boots because the stupid zippers always pinch. Ow. I don't want to fork out the $$$ for the extended calf boots... although someday Matt will probably buy me some because he likes boots and skirts. So do I, but it's not worth the pain. Anyways, so that's why I don't wear boots often. I have wanted a pair of high grey Uggs since before we've been married. I never felt the need to spend $180 on them though. I kept finding other things to spend the money on. I'm talking to my mom last week and she received a coupon for Uggs. So she bought me some. The ones I wanted. They came today. Matt called me at work to tell me. I was very excited.

Came home. Tried them one. Adorable boots. Very comfy in the foot. But... circumference. Boo. They fit... but barely. It is definitely not flattering with a skirt. I checked. There is one specific skirt I had in mind to wear with these boots, though I planned to wear them with practically every skirt I own over the winter at some point. But I decided it just could not be. Nope. I was very disappointed. Gun shot to the self esteem right there.

I'm returning the boots. My mom will get her money back. But she let me order a different pair of boots. Same basic idea, but these ones have buttons. The circumference is 2 inches wider... or so the website says. That should be sufficient. Plus, the buttons are awfully cute. I hope they fit. Thankfully the shipping at both places is free so at least we only have to pay to ship them back.

Disappointment. This is why I hate my calves. I have the same problem with skinny jeans and even some capris. Since I'm not a runner I don't know where my freakish calves came from! I purposefully didn't exercise them as much as I could when I was younger. I guess I did play tennis though and ran around an awful lot with that. No, you don't necessarily have to run a lot for tennis... but when the other team thought I wouldn't get a ball that they lobbed over my head and they put down their rackets, well that's when I would hit it back to them and win the point. I miss tennis.

I used to (and still kinda do) wish that I would break both my legs and be in casts and a wheelchair for awhile so my legs would atrophy... but that would be stupid. And it would come back when I started moving again. You just can't win. I try to be content with my calves as they aren't going away. But it's times like today that really stink.

On another note, I bought the Notebook yesterday because it seems like a movie all girls should have. I didn't initially like it when it first came out. I think it was because everyone else thought it was the best movie ever... and it was just ok in my mind. I watched it maybe three times before. I haven't watched it in at least 3 years... maybe longer. So I bought it. Watched it tonight. Started crying in the opening scene. Cried through most of the movie. Not just the love story, but aging. It's struck me that with Matt going into the military there are no guarantees. People told us that we probably wouldn't have to worry about him being in harms way if he went into Intel. Apparently they had no idea. Just form our initial talk with the recruiter there will be a lot of not good situations. While I know that God will provide for us and that when it's Matt's time to go it would be his time to go even if he were here as a Psychologist... it's still scary to think about. I want to grow old with him. I want to raise a family with him. I want to go before he does. Selfish, I know.

Speaking of which, I've really wanted to have a larger family recently. We'll see what happens when we start having children. I may decide I only want two! But we both thought we wanted three. Two girls and one boy. But recently I've been dreaming of a larger family with five or six kids! I brought up the idea to Matt and he was perfectly fine with it! He thinks if we do that though, we should adopt. I agree! Three of our own and then adopt maybe two or three. Maybe a sibling group. Maybe older children. Who knows where we'll land? I am excited for the prospect. And very very very exciting for baby number one! Come on little one! Mommy and Daddy are waiting!

I need to get to bed. While I can hardly believe it's November, work has started to really drag on me. Matt feels bad because I dream about work a lot. Not necessarily bad dreams, but I dream that I'm just at work doing my job. He has only dreamed about work environments he absolutely hated. It seems to be that way with other people we talk to also. I don't think I hate my job. I don't even super dislike it at all. It's a good work environment with good co-workers and bosses... it's not super difficult and I'm trying to view it as a ministry. But it does get long and tiring. It's hard to explain. My coworkers feel similarly though. I do feel blessed to have such a great job. But it is hard to dream about it all night and then wake up to actually go to work. It seems like I never leave!

I should have done homework tonight. I had a lot of time. But I just needed to unwind. Crying with the movie was good for me. I needed that. It was an emotional day for some reason.

And out.

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