Monday, July 12, 2010

in remembrance of my dear old friend

I once had a friend named Folgers. This obviously was not him real name, but it stuck. He was once my very best friend. Quite honestly, I once thought I was in love with him. For years. Now that I am older I think I was in love with the idea of being in love. Or maybe back them I was as in love as I could possibly be. I don't know. It seems like another lifetime. It feels like this friend has died. So this is in remembrance of him. I don't know when we stopped being friends exactly. But he is an entirely different person now than he was back then. I have changed too, but not quite to drastically. But something changed and we suddenly weren't friends any longer. It makes me sad still every once in awhile. It feels like a great loss. And I still don't understand.

Tonight I had a memory pop up about him. A very random memory that wasn't even a good memory. It was on a night where it seemed like all was wrong in the world. He was having some personal issues and we went out to talk about it. He was having a pretty rough time and all I could do was listen. I told him I loved him, because he was my best friend. It was true. He told me he loved me back. And now we haven't spoken in 4.5 years. Doesn't seem quite right does it? And there was no fight, no argument or disagreement. Nothing to forewarn. One day we had a phone call like normal and the next we never spoke again.

Somedays I really miss him. But what makes me even more sad is that there's not really much to miss. He's still there. He's still living his life. But it's all so foreign to me that it makes it hard to remember who he was. It makes it hard to imagine us as friends. Yet we were. We were indeed.
So in remembrance of my dear friend. Maybe someday we'll be friends again. I hope so. I miss him. Even though things would be different now anyways because married women don't have single male friends, it would've worked out. Somehow. But for now, I can only remember the good times.

So Folgers, I miss you and you will always be in my heart. If you still exist inside of who you've become, I hope to one day re-make your acquaintance.

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