Wednesday, June 23, 2010


There has been a lot going on in life... and nothing at all... all at once. If that makes any sense whatsoever.But in the midst of it all I feel lost. Empty. Extremely upset. Not the angry kind, though I usually end up feeling angry at myself for feeling this way. The completely and totally emotionally unstable kind. Well, not quite to that extreme since that would probably land me in some kind of mental hospital. Actually, all things considered, I'm probably very stable. I suppose compared to how I think I should be feeling I am completely disarrayed. So interesting how these feelings one has can be so subjective. I wonder how other people truly feel when they lose complete control. If this feels how it does then to be entirely hopeless... so sad.

Yes, that is a bunch of jumbled thoughts. I have been unsteady recently and it is no good. Nope. I have stayed on top of my work, well, not entirely. I have been managing my work at least. I need to improve that because this past month was not a good month work wise. Thankfully, of the nine months I've worked at LUO this has been the only month I can say it was rough. I know I can improve. I basically just need to be sure to go back to my normal level of work load. I have stayed on top of my homework. True, next week and probably the following week will not be very pleasant as I will have another class to add to my work load. Matthew will have three classes going at once. This doesn't seem like a lot, but we are both working full time and rarely see each other since we work opposite schedules. It is draining. But so far, I have managed to stay on top of my school work and I am getting a 98% in my class right now. Yet, I feel like I'm failing. Why? I haven't been very good about spending time with my friends. When I am tired I stay home. When I have homework to do I stay home. When I miss my husband and he has the night off I stay home. I miss my friends. I did get to talk to Abby today. That did my heart good. I probably will feel better when my parents get back in the States so I can have a good long talk on the phone with my mom. I want them to come back to visit. They just came. Literally. Living far away from home stinks.

Being a girl and organizing all these messy emotions is zero fun. Zero. I'm having a bad streak. At least it hasn't been a hateful streak. Just a cry at the drop of a pin streak. Boo hoo. I'm probably just being a big baby, like usual. I need to grow up and get a positive attitude. It will come. It always does. This is just a valley, for no good reason. That's why it bothers me so much. No good reason at all.

I feel like I need to go on an inspirational trip. Not just a vacation, that is the easy way out. Something that will stretch me to my limits and make me realize my blessings. Something that will motivate me. Possibly a missions trip. I haven't been on a missions trip is a good long while. Possibly some kind of human service trip to a disaster area. I kind of think a week of solitude with my Bible and my journal would do me good. I've always wanted to do one of those monk-camp things. I'm not sure what they are. The kind that Lucy went on in 7th Heaven. I only remember part of that episode. I didn't watch that show too much. But I wanted to go on one of those things when I was in high school but my parents said no. Maybe it would be helpful?

Probably (hopefully) after another week of moping around I will straighten up. I just feel very sad now. My husband working evenings and not getting home until after I should be in bed doesn't help. Either I go to bed and don't see him at all. Or I stay up to see him and then have a horrible day at work because I'm so tired.

Life is never easy.

On a brighter note, I was able to defend my faith today. What I said made sense and wasn't just a matter of words that came to the conclusion of "because the Bible says so... and I believe it... so it must be true!" No, it actually made logical sense and wasn't just some pat Christian-ese answer. I tend to get emotional in religious discussions and end up not making good sense. I definitely had the other party thinking. Hopefully more good discussions to follow.

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