Wednesday, August 20, 2008

I once had a friend who was my absolute best friend in the world. We did practically everything together. We knew all each others secrets and couldn't ever lie to each other. We knew we were going to be friends forever and when we were young we made stupid promises that no adult can keep... but we were young, we didn't know any better. But that's hardly an excuse.

Now here we are in our early twenties. Not speaking. We don't have each other's address or phone number. We don't each others websites anymore. We have absolutely no way of getting in contact with each other if we ever wanted. And this person was my very best friend.

What hurts the most is that no matter how hard I try, he'll always be there. He'll always be my best friend in my heart... in a way. He can't replace my Matthew or my Mabsy in anyway. They are my two strong pillars that hold me up. We have evolved and changed and have moved in our different directions. But in my heart, he will always be there as we were so many years ago. He holds so many of the best memories of my life. What is my life without him? So many years we ran around in the mud making up worlds of our own with no rules. So many days our parents would be furious with us because we had run off after school and forgotten to tell them where we were and what time we'd be back, oh the days before cell phones. So many times there were whispers about us from everyone else in the world that I hoped would someday be true.

They'll marry, everyone said. It was a sure thing. You can't have a friendship as strong as ours and not marry. We were perfect for each other, others said. It made sense. It was jealousy. It was envy. It brewed spite and malice.

And in the end, the world won. We couldn't take it. We couldn't accept it. We couldn't let it be. And everyone was right. We couldn't go on being the friends we were if we weren't to marry. And we both knew. In our own ways we both figured out that it was to end. Our friendship would have to be a thing of the past. We would turn ways and never look back.

What kills me to this day, is when I look at old pictures and I see someone's baby picture I still think, "Hey! That's my boy! Look at his little giggle and his chubby legs!" But he's not. He's not my boy in any sense of the word. He's only my memory. Almost more of a dream.

My best friend and I. I don't even know if I would recognize him if we bumped into each other in the street one day. I don't know what I would say or what I would do. I don't know if I would say hello, cry, scream, or punch him one good. I don't know if I'd give him a hug or simply walk away.

It hurts my heart. Deeply.

And it's so hard for anyone to understand. No one truly does. No one. Not even he. I doubt he even thinks of me anymore. Boys are like that. Much easier distracted and less sentimental. When I was clearing out all my old trinkets when I moved out of my parents house I finally gave up some of the presents he had given me over the years. Clothes and jewelry that hadn't been worn in years. Hadn't even been touched or looked at in years. But not all of it. A little part of my heart still clings to the world and reality where we are still best friends. When I am the only person he turned to when he was so weak he couldn't stand. When I was the only person he told he was scared. When I was the only person he cried to when the truth came out. And now it's all gone. All lost. Probably forever.

For how can we be friends if we were not to marry? And we were not to marry. Matthew was definitely the right man for me and everything made so much more sense with him. Except the loss of this friendship. That I will never truly understand.

And I don't want to.

I miss him. Desperately. I just wish we had one last chance to say goodbye. To look into each others eyes one last time and lift our glasses saying "Here's to childhood." But that will never be. I must say goodbye to him each and every time he resurfaces ever so slightly in my life. And it kills me inside.

Goodbye, dear friend.

Take care.

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