Sunday, March 16, 2008

Today was an exhausting day. And at the end of it I felt like pretty much felt as low as it gets. It was an interesting day to say the least.

It began early when my sister and nephews came to clean the house. We used to have a cleaning lady come once a week until my sister complained of the poor job the lady did and how if my mom were paying her to clean she would do a much better job. Sounded good to my mom, so now my sister comes every week or so to clean the house and makes a nice allowance for it. I offered to clean for her before. She didn't think that idea too grand. I could've sure used the money though! We had a party here today so that means another round of cleaning before we set up and everyone arrived. My nephews saw my car in the garage and ran into my room (my door was shut and I was sound asleep) to pounce on top of me. They're cute, but sometimes I just want to ... They like to play in the basement, where my room is. So naturally I couldn't go back to sleep with them running around and screaming. So I got up and began the long process of getting ready for the day. I noted my journey home into the blog world and rushed upstairs to get a shower. I had planning on going for a run on the treadmill (it's still pretty chilly up here in Michigan... and I generally don't like to run outdoors even in fine weather) before starting the day, but my father beat me to it. So I skipped the morning jog. It took a lot longer than usual to shower and "paint my face" (as my 3 year old nephew, Calvin, calls it) and dry and curl my hair. I was distracted part of the time by my nephews and sister. I hadn't seen them since Christmas so we chatted a bit while I got ready.

I began blowing up balloons for the party. It was a surprise 50th birthday party for some friends of my mom's. We decorated the house and the friends' children came over with all the food and some more decorations. A lot of work goes into planning a surprise party. It was a surprise for their mom, Wendy, who was out with my mom for the weekend... and it was also a surprise for their dad, Tony, who knew about the surprise party for Wendy. So a double surprise party. It was actually pretty fun. And the food was really good. Of course, seeing as how my parents never keep food in the house anymore I might have just been dying of hunger and in dire need of sustenance. So we did the whole group together and shout out surprise thing twice. My eldest sister took a bunch of pictures to document the event. And we all mingled and ate for about three hours.

I am not much of small talk- meet new people kind of person. I knew a few people at the party. My whole family was there. We all used to go to the same church so I knew some of the old church people. I now attend the same church as Tony and Wendy so I knew some guests from there as well. But mostly there was family of Tony and Wendy, who I didn't know. I stuck with my siblings and their families. We had a lot of catching up to do. My sisters truly are amazing woman. I have been so blessed with my family.

People started weeding out and eventually it was just my family and the birthday family. We parted ways and then my family figured out what we were doing for the rest of the night. Long story short- my dad went with my brother-in-law and nephew to buy a new Mac desktop for their family. I am jealous. Both of my sisters had to take the other children home for bed. And my mom went back to her hotel with Wendy where they had booked for the weekend. Yes, I came home for a nice break and my entire family deserted me. This is going to sound pathetic on my part, but I felt extremely lonely wandering around the house on my own. I usually don't like being home alone in this house. It's so big and it's so empty when no one is here. I cleaned the kitchen and all the dishes from the party... which is a miracle in my family. I always throw a fit when I'm asked to help with the dishes. But I've developed a liking for dish washing... and what else is there to do? I had planned on having a Anne of Green Gables marathon while I was home watching all three at once. I love those movies. But alas, I could not find them anywhere. I'm guessing someone borrowed them. Well, I'll just have to steal them back! I'm only home for a week! So I watched Pride and Prejudice instead. Always a pleasure.

What really made me feel horrible today was my attitude. I was upbeat for most of the day. And even pleasant. Except for one moment. One moment that stuck with me. I had an argument with my mother. Nothing new. We were talking about wedding plans with my eldest sister and we escalated and she wouldn't get off one specific topic and I got upset. I apologized later for getting all worked up over nothing and everything was fine. But I realized this time, out of all the times my mother and I have argued over something, how much of a baby I really am. I am getting married in 83 days. And I am arguing like this in public about something trivial? I know I have anger problems and I am working on that. I definitely don't want to take a short temper into my marriage or into my independent adult life. At that moment, I realized how unlike my sisters and the hostess of the party, Tony and Wendy's eldest daughter, Bethany, I am. I am so immature still and have so much to work on. I have a lot to strive towards. I want to have a good relationship with my mother. We get along pretty well most of the time but when it's bad it's horrid. We're both too stubborn and we both have a lot of pride. I know my mom has worked hard on her side of our relationship. I need to do the same. I want to be responsible, helpful, caring, and loving daughter. I want my mother to be proud of me. I want to be kind to others, all others. I want to love people. I want to be successful in life. I want to think before I speak or act. I don't want to be the typical third or youngest any longer. I have used that crutch for 20 years. It's time to put it to rest.

I want this feeling of regret to stay with me. I want to remember this feeling and act upon it. I want to work to change myself. I want to begin to be proactive in this battle. My anger issues have been growing slowly. I have been lashing out more in the past couple of years than ever before. Little things bother me, big things bother me, pretty much everyone I meet bothers me in some way or another. I want to start being positive. I want to see the sunshine in the rain. I want to be happy and joyful. I want to live without the anger I have held inside of me. It's time to let it all go.

Time for a fresh start.

One last thing: I have a new Easter dress for next Sunday! So excited. My mom bought it and I love it. It is a sage green with eyelets all over it. Perfect for Easter. I'll just have to find a white sweater to wear with it since it's still cold up here! I thought bringing the rest of my wardrobe to school with me after Christmas was a good idea. Not when I forget that it's all at school now so I can't not pack certain things thinking they're here in my closet. Yeah, I definitely forgot some crucial pieces to a couple outfits thinking that I would have suitable replacement here. Nope. So I need to go shopping. But I have a new Easter dress. That's as good as Christmas morning. I love Easter.

Tomorrow... actually today (It's 1 am and I'm about to go to bed)... but Sunday is Palm Sunday. Jesus entered Jerusalem on this day and the people praised Him. Hosanna! Hosanna! They proclaimed in the streets. They lay down their garments and palm branches on the ground so the feet of the donkey He rode on would not trample the bare ground. They revered Him. They respected Him. They loved Him. He is the King of Kings. He is to be lifted up and praised.

Hosanna! Hosanna!

No comments: