Humanity amazes me. And I amaze myself. And no, I'm not talking about amazing in a good way. Sometimes I just hate myself for being "typical". I'm not out there changing the world. I'm not going out of my comfort zone and feeding starving children. I'm hardly contributing anything to the rest of the world. And my excuse? It's my time. It's my time to be in school. I must work hard at my schooling for now so I can make a greater impact later. I must finish this while I am still motivated or I will never come back. But if I were to go now would I ever need to come back? Wouldn't I probably just fall in love with the people where I was and be perfectly content doing whatever I was doing for the rest of my life? I act all frustrated with people for not giving in convo when we take special offerings for disasters that strike the world. I get aggravated when we don't raise more than 20,000$ for any given fund because that means every student on Liberty's campus would be giving less than two dollars. But what am I doing to make a difference in the world? I sponsor a child but selfishly don't send him special presents or letters. I usually say I forget or I don't have time. I think that my funds each month are enough. But I am not truly invested in the life of this little boy. And he is so beautiful. I'll post his picture up later. I receive annual reports on his progress. He is now in the 6th grade. I forget how old he is, but I believe he is a little behind in school. He has poor education when he was younger. I have been sponsoring him since he was 2 years old. He has grown to be such a beautiful young man and I hope to be able to minister more to him now that I am older and have learned about other cultures through my schooling. When I started sponsoring him I wasn't even a teenager yet. I was at a concert with my dad and someone promoted world vision. I wanted to help another child so my parents allowed me to start the sponsorship. They helped me a little along the way, but now he is my responsibility. I have selfishly wondered when is an appropriate time to sever the connection with little Fasika, that is his name. But how could I even think of doing that? Whenever my sponsorship runs out, probably when he becomes an adult, I will find another child or two to sponsor. This is such a simple ministry. For me now, it is less than 1$ every day to give him clothes, food, fun games, and schooling. I get reports on exactly what my money has been used for in the year and accomplishments Fasika has made. But this is so little. I need to do more. I need to be selfless. I need to be making a difference in the world, even if it is only here in Lynchburg, VA.
I am terrified to go out of my comfort zone. Missions trips always made me so nervous because I was in an unfamiliar environment surrounded by people I couldn't understand and I wasn't familiar with the customs or foods. I like being in my safe little Baptist-American bubble. But this is not what God has called me to. He has called me to be a witness, an ambassador for Him. He has called me to share Him with everyone I meet. I'm not even positive my roommate is a Christian. I have not talked with her about it yet. I have been too shy and have assumed this to be true since we are at a Christian University. But she is from Korea. My other roommate, the one who I've known for a year, is a Christian from Korea. So I assume my new roommate must be as well. But I should be sure. I should talk to her about Christ and help her understand more who He is and what He did. I should answer any questions she might have, even if she is already saved. Every Christian has questions about their God, faith, forgiveness, of everyday living. I can help her in her walk and she can help me. We can lift each other up. But I am selfish. I don't ask. I don't go the extra mile. I just sit here with my back to her and we both hammer away at our laptops. Not as productive as this semester could be spent. A lot of international students who come to Liberty do not come because they are Christians, they come because it is their ticket to America and Liberty offers scholarships galore to international students. We have representatives from over 90 countries. That is a lot of students. We have two Nepali girls on our hall this semester. They are sisters and they were not Christians before they came to Liberty. We are not sure if they understand Christianity. They "accepted" Christ when they first arrived on campus, but we believe they still also worship their other gods. In Nepal, one has many gods and this is acceptable. We fear they have just added our God to their lists. They have idols in their rooms, which are not permitted at Liberty. This is my first major, long-term experience with someone who owns an idol. It is interesting. But this is proof that not everyone who comes to Liberty is a Christian or even thinks they are a Christian. Most Nepali students have no desire to become Christians and are very outspoken about it. So I have my own little mission field right here on campus. And I have not taken advantage of it. I have not even prepared myself as I should. I need to take up my cross, deny myself, and put on the full armor of God. That sounds extremely cheesy, but I said it with all seriousness. I need to be prepared. I need to grow each and every day. I need to know that I know that I know what I will say when faced with different circumstances.
I love my God, I want to prove it. I want my life to prove it. I want everyone who sees me to know without a shadow of a doubt. I have not been a very good living testimony. I have not been a living sacrifice for my Lord. I have crawled off the alter too many times. I have been a poor disciple. I put Jesus on hold and tell Him to wait for me. Which He does, each and every time. He is always ready to accept me back and love me. I know I disappoint Him. And that is what kills me. I have disappointed the only person who matters.
All this talk. All this mumbo jumbo. It is just words. Let me prove to you that it is truth and not just something I am writing to make you think that I'm a good person. Because I'm not. I'm am anything but a good person. I am a sinner who is continually saved by the grace of God. His mercies are new every morning. If they were not, I would be dead before my morning yawn escaped my lips. I am here today because my God is a God of grace. He loves me and that is why I am alive.
One last thought. A little different but something I have been thinking a lot lately. Very random. But:
Why should I feel discouraged? Why should the shadows come? Why should my heart feel lonely? And long for heaven and home.
When Jesus is my portion, a constant friend is He. His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches over me. His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me.
I sing because I'm happy. I sing because I'm free. His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me. His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me.