Monday, April 12, 2010

Missing Silver

When I came to college, my life motto was "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold." Back then I always felt like I had riches beyond measure. (And my immediate thought after writing that was "Wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure"...) I had so many wonderful, amazing friends from high school that I kept in contact with for most of college and even now are some of my most cherished friends. A lot of people lose contact with people after high school, especially when they move 800 miles away like I did. And then in college I made some equally amazing and wonderful friends. It was a good life. And it still is a good life and I have been blessed with the best of friends. One thing that has made me sad though, when came marriage my relationships with all my guy friends from high school altered. Significantly. It had too. There was one distinct moment when one of my best friends, a male, and I went out to eat after we were both engaged. We had gone to school together since Kindergarten and both our moms worked at the elementary school for a handful of years so we would play after school together. We didn't always see eye to eye, but in high school we became the best of friends. Anyways, we were both engaged and we had met up for dinner to discuss life and the future. At that moment we realized that this was the last time we could ever do this. Once we were married, even now that we were engaged, it hardly seemed proper to go out together alone. We weren't ever interested in each other (well, I had a mad crush on him in elementary school, but that hardly counts... oh the memories!), but it was appearances. Plus we knew it wasn't right. It was a sad moment for me- realizing that because we were moving on to the next stage in our life that our friendship was about to change forever. There's another close guy friend of mine from high school that I hardly ever talk to anymore. We had an interested friendship. I'm not even sure how we became friends. Because I was friends with him, I became friends with a bunch of... I don't even know how to describe them. People who I wouldn't have ever been friends with otherwise. And it worked. This kid is a genius in his own way. He will never fully understand how much I respect him, because I would never be able to tell him that. But he is incredible. And now we hardly ever talk because I am married and he is now engaged. Rules. And then there is the person who used to be my very best friend in the whole world. Well, Abby was always my best friend but this kid was different. Pretty sure everyone knows who I'm talking about. And everyone is hoping I don't go into detail about him. Because it's like opening up Pandora's box- it's never ending and it's... well, enough of that. Anyways, he was my best friend. And I miss him. Terribly sometimes. Sometimes it physically hurts my heart. Most of the time (honestly) I don't even think about it anymore. But then something will remind me and it's like I'm missing something. Something important. And I remember that he's not my friend anymore. He's not programmed into my phone, it took me two years to delete him phone number even though I was positive he had changed it anyways. It was secure having it there. We're not facebook friends, myspace friends, or real life friends. And before he was the one I told all my secrets too. I was the one who knew his deepest, darkest secrets that you would not even believe if I told you. All of that is nothing-ness now. Hardly even memory worthy. And it boggles me.

I miss those friends. I have other guy friends where it's still the same. I can talk to them, I can call them to catch up, we'll grab lunch when we're in town. But it's not like these others. So to my old friends, my precious pile of silver, I miss you, I love you, and you'll always be in my heart. Yes, that sounds sappy and cheesy and I kind of hate myself for saying all that. But it's so entirely true I can't help but to say it. I kind of feel like this is how the rocks feel about Jesus as Christ. They can't help but declare He is Lord. Yes, I did just make that comparison. It makes perfect sense in my head, even if it looks weird written out. Anyways, if those three friends ever stumble across this- they'll know who they are. And I miss them. And I'll welcome them back at any time. Because sometimes change isn't good. I think we all learned that the hard way. While I'm very happily married and wouldn't trade that for those old friendships, I wish we could find a middle ground. Because I'm the most loyal friend you'll ever have. Once my true friend, always my true friend.

On a much lighter note, I watched the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 trailer. Wow, that's a mouthful. But I had to give it justice. Each time a new Harry Potter film is approaching I get super super excited. Far more excited than is warranted, I admit. And then after I see the movie I am extremely disappointed... the first time. After the third time I'm hooked. I don't know why that is. If I could stand to wait I would just skip the theater and buy it as soon as it came out (which I end up doing anyways). But I need to go see it as soon as possible. Just one of those things. And this one will probably be no exception. I don't understand how they're going to organize it all, but I'm excited all the same. "Wit beyond measure if man's greatest treasure". "The last enemy to be defeated is death". And yes, that is the same quote I put up here for Easter. It may be in the book, but it was in THE BOOK first. I hope they don't take it out. I still feel like the sixth movie was lacking because they left out "... until you learn to shut your mouth and open you mind!" (ok, did i get that right? It was something like that) I feel like that was the entire point of the sixth book. And they left it out of the movie. Oh well, maybe I'm wrong. But it's what gave away to me that Snape was an amazing character. Anyways, I figure that since I don't like Twilight, I make up for it with Harry Potter. But, I still feel this is more warranted. Harry Potter is the most successful movie franchise of all time. That title used to belong to the James Bond franchise. Beats our Star Wars, which in my mind was pure genius. Someday I'll probably go the Harry Potter theme park. My parents are thinking about taking my whole family there, well to Disney but I would definitely want to go to Hogsmeade! So I feel like my irrational like of Harry Potter is warranted. I'm not all crazy about the characters, I don't really find any of them attractive. I am glad that they kept all the original actors... well, minus poor Dumbledore- he was perfect for the part. So yes, I am extremely excited for the last two movies. I'm glad they made that decision to split them up, even though I can't imagine all the forest scenes.

All of my posts may be superficial. I'm really not that superficial of a person. Well, I guess I am. But I'm getting a lot better. It's amazes me the things I used to find important in life. Like when I HAD to have a pair of pink adidas tennis shoes and I didn't even like them! But I had to have them because everyone else had them. And I wore them for 2 years solid. They were good shoes, but I didn't even like them. But this is cathartic for me. I enjoy just typing away. Sometimes I try to piece together stories by just typing typing typing. The problem with my creativity is that I have lots of beginnings and middles, no ends. And most of my beginnings and middles do not go together very well. Someday I'll finish something. It may or may not go published. But I'll piece it together someday. But for now, writing for myself. That is enough. I've thought about just keeping track of my thoughts like this and forming a story around them. Not in the diary sense like some books are, but by editing after awhile and keeping the good stuff, shuffling it around, creating characters, and then filling in the gaps. Because there's a writer in me. I just need that original idea. Or many one not so original, like an endless love story. But it has to have something special. Like a Fitzwilliam Darcy or an Edward Ferrars. If I cannot create a hero equal to those nobles, then who am I? Sigh, if only Austen had lived longer to pen more great works.

And before I bunny trail yet again, good night.

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