Marriage is wonderful. But it definitely isn't easy, as I am finding out. A lot of people use the excuse, "But you're married!" when I try to talk to them about my woes and complaints. I'm sorry, but I'm just a bit sick of my friends telling me that I shouldn't be lonely and feel left out because "I'm married". Thank you, I am perfectly aware that I am married. And I do not regret it in the slightest. I love being married and I love my husband. But it would be nice to be able to see or talk to my friends on a regular basis still. When I just want someone to talk to or to share my heart with other than my husband, or when he is at work and unavailable, I'd like someone to just listen instead of telling me I shouldn't feel that way because I'm married! Which apparently means life should be all bliss and perpetual happiness. I'd like to say that I'll remind my friends of this state of happiness when they are newlyweds and that people don't like to call or hang out with newlyweds in the months following their weddings... there are also a number of other wedding realted things I'd like to remind them of when they are in the planning stages, things they were so kind to share with me with all of their wisdom... but I am just not that kind of person. In my mind I am probably one of the most spiteful, malicious people you'll ever meet. If you could know some of my horrible thoughts you would cringe and weep and hate me forever. Thankfully, I am a people pleaser and I just want to be loved by my friends. So I never act on my hurt feelings- which is where all the other nasty feelings rise from. And these feelings are not there forever. They are just products of my temporary hurts and pains. I am a pretty sensitive person so I get my feelings stepped on a lot. It's something I've become accustomed to. But let me tell you, blogosphere, newlyweds are not inclusive and reclusive. Repeat that to yourselves whenever you wonder if calling your newlywedded friends will disturb their nakedness (which is also apparent to everyone who isn't and has yet to be a newlywed... I must have missed that memo in premarital counseling... the naked clause): not inclusive or reculsive! not inclusive or reclusive! They will be happy for your concern for their new lives and your continued friendship. I'll guaruntee you that.
Another hard aspect of marriage is the selfish factor. I have always been a rather selfish person I'm afraid to say. I grew up as somewhat of a spoiled brat. I was the youngest by 12 years, my dad was very happily settled in his position of chief of surgery in a very prominent hospital, and my mom stayed at home with me all day. I was spoiled rotten and it's been hard to break me of it. I have tried to grow up out of that phase of my life. College helped a lot- especially moving to state 800 miles away from home and not having the luxury of my mommy being right next door... even though I did call her multiple times every day. But it is so different once you are married. We are all selfish beings to the very essence of ourselves. It is in our nature. Some act out of this selfishness more than others, unfortunately. Matthew and I are slowly learning that we are no longer just him and I... we are US. Always and forever. We have had to make some adjustments in our basic living and our basic persons just to survive. Thankfully, the three and a half years of dating have prepared us well for this next stage of our lives. The adjustments have been minimal and we have both been willing to make sacrifices. We still trip up every once in awhile as we are still pretty new at this marriage thing. Selfishness. I think that is the true cause for the divorce rate in America, in the world. It isn't truly the love of money and financial nastiness. For what does that stem from anyways? Selfishness. It is selfishness that drives our desire to own more things and have nicer cars and houses. It is selfishness that causes us to tell our spouse they are not making enough to satisfy us. It is our selfishness that causes so much bitterness and strife and ugliness in our world. Selfishness. And I am the queen of it. Sometimes I truly truly despise myself. But I'm working on it.
Sometimes my feelings get hurt over nothing at all. Let's face it, I'm female. It is in our blood to get emotional over a crumpled letter in the mailbox. But sometimes my feelings get hurt over very important matters. And somehow it's those matters that seem to get the least amount of attention from others. Whether it be friends, family, coworkers, or spouses, those matters that are most important to me and my well being just don't seem to filter through to everyone else the same way. People don't understand when I truly need a hug or an apology or a listening ear. People think everything is alright and the world is at peace. And all I need is a smile.
But no one understands that when it's most important.
God bless America.