I feel one way... then I move... and it's still the same! Life can be so confusing.

I have felt more lonely at Liberty than I ever thought imaginable. I thought it would be better when I can home. But... it appears to be pretty lonely in Grand Rapids too. In a completely different way, but lonely all the same. And I don't do so well under loneliness.

A lot happened today. Some things that made me feel like nothing could ever get me down again... and some things that are bringing me to the verge of tears. Growing up is a tough business. And a large part of me wishes I didn't have to bother with it.

I have always wondered why adults enjoy to smoke and drink and have sex out of wedlock. I know these issues are almost completely culturally acceptable now, or at least to b expected, but I'm not wondering why people like to do it or why they enjoy the way it makes them feel. But rather, how they come to be doing these things in the first place. Go back 13, 14, 15 or however many years back you need to go. Today's 18-year-olds are now back to being 5-year-olds. No, they are not 5-year-olds again, but imagine back to the time they were actually 5-year-olds. No little kids wanted to smoke. They coughed when they walked through someone else's cloud of smoke. Little kids are all taught that smoking is bad for you. And little kids, being unafraid and unashamed, will tell anyone they see that smoking is bad. Again, today's 21-year-olds are also 5-year-olds. When we were 5 years old we did not want to drink. We were not interested in alcohol. We were taught that alcohol was bad. That is caused anger and frustration and irrational actions and death (car accidents, rage, irresponsibility). Children were often afraid of alcohol. Children did not see their parents drinking alcohol and would not presume that their parents ever consumed any. Alcohol was bad... period.

I know I grew up in a semi-sheltered atmosphere. I know I was blessed to have parents who didn't drink or smoke. I know I was even more blessed to have friends who's parents didn't drink or smoke when we were children. I realize that a lot of other kids my age were not so blessed. But I am thinking mainly of my friends. My childhood friends. We would all talk about how stupid smoking and drinking were. We would surely never be that stupid. Not as stupid as the person who hit Glen* in the car accident and nearly killed him while driving drunk. Not as stupid as poor Pete's* Aunt Sheryl* who was saying her last goodbyes because of lung cancer caused by smoking. Not as stupid as the homeless who have squandered all their money on booze and in the process lose their job, their house, their cars, and their family.

But here we are now. It is our year to turn 21. My best friend just turned 21. I have just returned from a whole night of celebrating my dearest friend. And I am trying my hardest not to change my viewpoint of her. It is difficult to realize that suddenly your best friend doesn't disclose everything to you anymore. Why? Because you have simply drifting in slightly different directions. There's still a lot the same in the relationship, but some key areas have changed as we have grown. One of those areas is drinking, as was shown on this her 21st birthday.

As I sat around the table of some friends from high school and some new friends, I realized I was in the minority. I have been so used to being surrounded by friends who also don't drink and don't plan to in their futures that it was odd to be the only one not sipping a beer or other like beverage. And everyone seemed to be enjoying it. I had lots of smart remarks stored away, but suddenly I was very aware that no one was like me. I was very different. And everyone probably secretly, or not so secretly, thought that I was the odd one. I was the "stupid" one. I was "naive" for not trying a new brew or something fresh.

I have plenty of fun on my own without the need for alcohol. I don't like the taste of any of the alcohol I have foolishly tasted in my life. I would much rather have a non-alcoholic beverage than something that doesn't even taste good. I don't need to get a buzz to enjoy people's company and if I need to be a little drunk for those people to like me then I'm not sure I want to be their friend anyways. I have my share of problems, some that bog me down in the majors, but none so deep that I feel the need to waste myself in alcohol. Drowning my problems won't make them go away. As soon as the veil is lifted, the problems will still be there and I'll have a killer headache to boot. And headaches about take me out of service as is... they don't need any help from the previous night.

I had been planning on ordering a "pretty" drink on my 21st birthday. Like a cosmopolitan or something. Just because I would be 21 and I could. I felt like that was something I had to do in order to be "older" and "grown-up". Like ordering and sipping a drink was the secret key to adulthood. But stupid teenagers drink all the time and end up in places far from adulthood. Adults drink all the time and end up... well... hardly any pretty pictures come from alcohol. After being there tonight and feeling the way I felt, I don't know if I'll be able to go through with it. Why do I need to order a drink? Why do I need to enter into that part of the world? Why do I need to set myself up for more temptation? I don't think I'll order a drink on my 21st. I have 8 months to change my mind, but I don't think it's important at all anymore. Rather, I feel it is so much more important that I don't order the drink. It is important for me to stand up for my values. It is important for me to set myself apart from my friends. It is important that I live the life I truly want to live and not the life I think will make me keep some old friends I don't really care about that much anyways.

If alcohol can make me feel this rotten when I don't even ingest it... I can't imagine how horrible I would feel if it graced past my lips. Completely unnecessary. Some people don't have the same convictions as me. Alcohol in and or itself is not bad. I don't have a problem with people drinking. Who can ever really and truly drink responsibly though? I don't need to do it. I don't care.

Loneliness is the worst feeling in the world.