I like to hide my feelings from people. Even though I'm not very good at it. People have always been able to tell when I'm feeling sad or angry or lonely just by looking at me, even if I'm smiling on the outside. I guess that's ok with me. Maybe that way I'll have someone to cry with or vent with or be with instead of the former. But still, I don't like just coming out and telling people how I feel.

Friendship is a lot like marriage. Good and bad. And I just feel like I've had enough of friendships. I love my friends, don't get me wrong. I would do anything for my friends. And that's the whole point. And it kinda takes the glitz and glamour out of marriage when you look at it that way. But at the same time, there's a lot more to marriage than the friendship aspect. No, not the sex, although that's included too. But there's a deep companionship that never happens the same with friendships. There's an everlasting covenant. There's a special union God created just for us. I guess the magic is back.

Matt and I had our first pre-marital counseling session today. It's a class setting with one of the campus pastor's. Next semester we're going to try to do some more one-on-one counseling with either counseling couple or a pastor and his wife. This will be a good introductory class though. It will be fun I think. We meet with a bunch of other couples who are also engaged. It's fun to hear their stories and learn how they've grown together as a couple. One of Matt's friends and his new fiance (they just got engaged this past weekend!) are in the class too. Hopefully we'll be able to get to know them better.

Marriage is kind of scary when it comes down to it. Learning how to live with another person. I cherish the times I can go home and have my own room to myself and my big bed to sprawl out in. Not anymore after June 7. I'll always have to share everything and nothing will be just mine anymore. I won't have a bedroom to myself where I can go to cry when I'm sad or dance around in when I'm happy. (I get shy dancing around in front of other people, even Matt) I suppose life will adjust itself and I'll get used to it, and probably even prefer this new lifestyle, but still. I don't know how I feel about learning to cook and cleaning up everywhere and taking care of our puppy or kitten. We're not sure which we want to get yet. It'll be a lot of work. And I just know I'm going to be stubborn. Oh poor Matt.

I miss the old days. Isn't that how it always seems with me? Well, I miss senior year. I miss my highschool friends. But not enough to wish to go back. Ever. I just miss seeing them. Some I haven't seen in a few years. Hopefully they will all be able to make it to the wedding. A reunion of sorts. And I miss my old friends I've made here who are no longer at LU. I miss Whitney especially since I haven't seen her since freshman year. I miss Erika since I haven't seen her since last spring. I miss Stephanie since I haven't seen her since summertime. I miss Laura even though I'll hopefully be seeing her soon. I miss the old days. I miss my old friends. This is the hard part about growing up. I don't like change and I haven't been known to handle it super well, but I suppose a lot more will be changing in the next year. But oh well. what can ya do.

I'm really a happy and content person. Sometimes I write kinda mopey and emo. And I hate that. But it's good for the soul. I usually only journal when I'm feeling a little low. And this is what comes out. All my hearts hopes, dreams, and fears. Out on this screen for anyone in the world to read if they happen to stumble across the blog of notes and scribbles and Rebecca Eileen.

I wish for the life of the stories I read about or the screenplays I watch... I need to just start living my own. No more imaginings over fictional and hypotheticals. Well, some imaginings... but too much.

I'm getting married in 8 months. Not too far away. Pretty exciting. I can hardly wait.