On growing up

Oh to grow up.
Please Peter, can't you rescue me and wisk me away?
Oh how I wish he would. I have often sat staring out into the dark night hoping to see a slight trail of pixie dust following a whoosh of air. Suddenly he would appear and rescue me away into the night. And the fun and games we would play. And the times to be had. Such a daydream.
But here I sit. Growing older by the second. And full of fear for the future. I anticipate and I play excited and I look forward to adulthood... but it's a rather scary thought.
I'm starting my first fulltime job this summer. That's right, I could start my own 401K and get medical. I'm not doing either of those things but it's offered as a benefit. I get paid time off though. That's a nice little benefit right there. Many teenagers have already had several fulltime jobs during the summer by the time they are my age. But this will be my first ever. And it will be my second "real" job ever. I'm kinda scared. What if I can't do it? What if I fail? What if I get fired? What if I accidentally hang up on a customer? What if I charge the wrong account excesses of money? (I'm working at the J.Crew call center for those who are wondering what in the world I am talking about) I am nervous. And I get antsy. I'll at least get to sit all day so my feet won't get sore. And I can wear whatever I want, but what if I just hate it. I can't quit. I'll keep this job until I leave Lynchburg... but what if.
I know, there I go again with my what ifs. I'm the queen of what if. I rather like it though.
And next semester I'll be doing my internship as well. At first I was very excited about this. And I still am. But the next step after this is actually working at an agency. For now I'll be an Assistant Case Worker. The next step is to be added to the payroll and getting my masters. After that it's the real thing! What am I getting myself into? Am I ready to enter the field on my own? Am I prepared to be there for families and to make the right matches? Has God really put it in my future to do this? Am I just kdding myself?
Yes, I am doubting myself. I am not doubting God. Not at all. But what if I just misinterpretted a few signs here and there? What if this isn't what i'm supposed to be doing? What if I'm in the wrong major and what if I'm pursuing the wrong goals? To truly do well in my field I will have to be annointed by God. He will have to be my blessing and give me insight and wisdom. And wha if this isn't what he has in mind for me? What if I am just lost and confused? It wouldn't be the first time. I thought God was telling me a lot of things this year that I suppose weren't true. At least all those doors slammed shut in my face in a hurry.
Why do I have to doubt? I suppose it is good. I will explore all my options once again and hopefully will fall back on the same ground I'm on now. Everything makes perfect sense... but is that what God wants? Maybe God just wants me to jump and not look forward and surely not look behind. I just need to take a leap of faith. And have faith. Period. Not analyze. Not question. And not research.

Oh dearie me. Lots ot do. Lots to think about. But first, sleep. I need sleep.

Prayer request: I have been having a sharp pain on my left side right along my ribs for the past weekend. It hasn't died down any. I called my dad (a doctor) and asked him about it but there's not much he can do when I'm in virginia and he's in michigan. I don't know what it is and nothing has helped. Not motrins or advils or heating packs or massages. I have this amazing little massager thing that usually helps with any knots or ailments... but it just hasn't helped this one. I don't know what the problem is. Maybe something serious. My dear friend, Kristin, stands at the ready for me to come banging on her door at any hour of the day needing to make an emergency trip to the hospital. Until then... please pray. It's aggravating and painful and uncomfortable. I have J.Crew training coming up which most everybody knows is super intense. And it's right in the middle of exams. Just what i need, added stress. And this side pain definitely won't help. Maybe it will be gone by next week when I start my three week training. How fun. NOT.

Freedom. Truth. Beauty. Love.