disappointments

I have this huge feeling of disappointment in my life. And I don't know quite what to do about it. I don't feel as though anyone understands, so I don't really talk about it. But it's been bottled up for too long.

I feel as though my eyes are going to give me away at any moment. They fall. They sigh. They collapse. They drop. They fill to the brim so that I can't stop the overflow. It hurts my heart. It causes pain to sink into my veins. I feel alone and lost and confused and horribly inadequate.

God is good. God is great. God is wonderful.

This I know. But I still feel very sad about the doors that were closed in my life. I can trust God and still be sad, right? I can know He has a different plan for me and still wonder why this other plan just didn't seem to fall into place, right?

I am mightily disappointed. To boiling point. It hurts me even more that those who are closest to me don't seem to understand or to even try to understand. That it's just brushed off like nothingness. That I'm supposed to be fine, I'm supposed to smile and be happy, I'm supposed to just move on in life and not look back. But it really isn't that simple. And I can't get away. I can't just lock myself in my room for awhile and be alone. I can't stop listening to other people because someone is always around. I like on a college campus, where can I go to be alone?

I feel pressured and closed in. Like I'm living in a box. And I've developed a horrible case of claustrophobia. I need to get out. I need to get away. I need to move on. I need to learn. I need to listen. I need to know.

God has been trying to get ahold of me. That's what it all comes down to.

Here I am, Lord. I'm listening.

...

And the journey begins once again. Well, not really begins. But takes a lurch and perhaps even changes directions once or twice.

And I just thought to myself, "I feel fine"... so here's a little something more upbeat to leave you with.

Baby's good to me You know
She's happy as can be you know
She said so
I'm in love with her and I feel fine

Baby says she's mine you know
She tells me all the time you know
She said so
I'm in love with her and I feel fine

I'm so glad that sh'e mys little girl
She's so glad she telling all the world

That her baby buys her things you know
He buys her diamond rings you know
She said so
She's in love with me and I feel fine
mmm

Baby says she's mine you know
She tells me all the time you know
She said so
I'm in love with her and I feel fine

I'm so glad that she's my little girl
She's so glad she's tellign all the world

That her baby buys her things you know
He buys her diamond rings you know
She says so
She's in love with me and I feel fine

She's in love with me and I feel fine
mmm