My mind is chaos. I pride myself in being a thinker. I analyze, I ponder, I question, and I wonder. But all these jumbles of thoughts sometimes get mixed and matched and make one huge mess... chaos. At night this happens most frequently. I'm getting all snuggled in bed (I'm known for having the most comfortable beds... both at home and in the dorm... quite the accomplishment if you ask me!), I pull out my Bible, then I pray. Being a prayer leader I go through my girls and pray for their needs and for the rest of the hall. Friends from back home come to mind as well. Memories and excitement for tomorrow burst in without knocking. Soon I forget where I started and I'm off daydreaming about Disney World (where I'll be in a little over a month!). Oh why do women have to be like noodles? Sometimes I seriously wish I could compartmentalize like men. Just focus on the here and the now and move from one subject to another without continuing two thought processes at once. I need to learn how to finish one thought before moving on to the next.
I also want to become a better listener. How often do we start a conversation with someone only to catch a glimpse of someone we know coming in the door or walking down the hall. We're still engaged in the conversation... but not fully. We continue to listen, sometimes without hearing, but our eyes are wandering. I notice the leaves swaying in the wind and think about how awfully chilly it is this time of year. I think about how many more minutes I can spare with this person before I rush off to my next class. I glance back at their face and nod my head every so often to ensure them that I'm still paying attention. By this time I truly only am taking in a few words of theirs at a time. My attention has been lost and I'm a horrible friend. This happens to me when I'm the speaker and I know how aggravating it can be. I hate doing that to people. I feel as though I can multitask and sometimes I can recall the conversation later... at least bits and pieces of it... but my friends mean more to me than that. Even if they're not my friends, people deserve better than that. If someone wants to talk to me why shouldn't they have my full attention? I'm just selfish like that. Selfishness, such an ugly trait. And I possess it in great quantities. It makes me sick sometimes.
I need to become a better roommate. There's the selfishness factor again. I just like having things my way. I'm used to being spoiled and having a room to myself. Scratch that, I'm used to having a whole basement to myself. I come here and smoosh all my things to accomodate someone else and I think that gives me reign over the entire world of the room. Wrong. I need to learn to be a servant. How can I claim to seek God when I am being the complete opposite of Christ? Christ never once thought of Himself. What a world we'd live in if He had. He gave everything for me. The least I can do is smoosh my clothes to give my roomie more closet space.
I'm lazy as well. Goodness. I'm in a pretty sad state. Good grief.
That's my self-centered post. I have a lot of thinking to do and lot of work to do on myself. I have so much to gain.