I am a terrible, horrible person. I am the worst of the worst. I have committed a horrible crime. I deserve the most excruciating death and then a thousands deaths after that. I deserve to be cast into the lake of fire for all of eternity knowing that heaven, peace, and love were within my grasp. To be so near to the Lord, and yet so far away. I am a terrible, horrible person. And I'm stuck in my ways.


But no more! From this day forth I am changing. I will not be swept away in the ways of the world. I will not allow my sinful lusts and passions to get the better of me. There is so much to live for. Why do I keep demanding to satisfy and kill myself? I am just a selfish, silly girl. Thankfully, God knows this and He is always willing to give me a second chance. I can ask a thousand times a day for Him to forgive my weaknesses and my fallings and everytime He responds with "I love you. You are my beautiful daughter. Try again." He helps me learn to walk. He does not push me down but lift me up and allows me to continue to struggle and learn on my own. When I cannot take the temptation, He will carry me and protect me from all harm. I have no need to fear. My Father who loves me will protect me. I must learn from my mistakes. I must aim to please Him in everything I do. I must push all sin away and out of my life. I need to get ahold of myself. I need to cleanse myself. I need to follow the Lord with all of my heart and all of my soul. I need to want to be His daughter. I need to want to please Him. For that is all that matters. He is all that matters. All else is nothingness and pain.


When will I ever learn? How many bruises must I endure? How many cuts must be reopened? When will I allow my Father to guide me? When will I learn to trust in Him completely? When will I surrender the most difficult aspects of my life over to Him? He has the power to do so much more than I could ever imagine, and yet I still try to run my own life. My life is nothing if it is not lived to the glory of God. I am on this earth to praise and worship Him. I must bring glory to His name. And I am failing. I am a human being, made in the image of God, and I am failing. I say that I love my God. I say I would do anything for Him. I say I want to preach His name and share His love to all around me. How can I do this if my own life is a tangle of sin and a web of destruction? I must clean out my own closet before I can help others see the weights that are holding them down. We can fly if only we allow the Lord to lift us up.


Our God is an awesome God. He reigns from Heaven and Earth with wisdom, power, and love. Our God is an awesome God.


I want to be healed. I want to be cleansed. I want to be pure in body, mind, and spirit. I want to be made new.


Here I am, Lord.