Tuesday, March 29, 2011


I live with lots of random bouts of jealousy. Not usually anything serious or life shattering. No no, by any means. But, I do get jealous over vacations taken, home ownership, and baby/pregnancy galore. I say jealous, meaning envious. Which is a sin. Shame on me.

Yes, I have tried to kick the habit. Not so easy to accomplish. Yes, I count my blessings. I've posted quite a few of them here before. Yes, I've thanked the Lord for all the good things He's brought about in my life. Not the least of which include falling in love with a wonderful and strong man... and amazingly having him fall in love with me also, having a wonderful family and in-laws, almost holding my Master's degree... with absolutely zero student debt, or any debt for that matter, and living in America.

But still. There is that place in my heart that holds jealousies. Some things frivolous and ridiculous. Remember when I posted about wanting to go on a Med Cruise for our anniversary? Well, I need to quit bugging my husband about that. Yes, we have the money. Yes, we have the time. Yes, it could possibly be a whole lot of fun. But we're young. We'll have plenty of time to travel abroad when we're a little wiser and more settled. Plus, we've had the luxury of having gone to Europe together twice already.

So I am resigning myself to no fabulous vacations for awhile. Which is fine. It's really just been me being selfish. It's much better to keep our money in our savings.

Home ownership. It's actually probably good we don't own a house yet. I wouldn't know what to do with it. Within a year I would change my mind about my decorating scheme and that would be horrible. I wouldn't know what to do when things went wrong... plumbing, broken doors, electricity, etc. We probably won't be able to buy a house for at least another decade or possibly two decades. It just wouldn't be wise since we'll be moving every two years or so. Back and forth between NC, CA, VA, HA, and Japan. Sigh. Not too many options really. But ti should be a lovely life, still.

Babies. We'll not go into detail about this one. Basically though, everyone who's dating thinks all their friends are getting engaged. Everyone who's engaged thinks everyone they know is getting married already. Everyone who's married thinks everyone else is having children. I know it's a cycle. I know it's only who I'm paying attention to. But it is difficult when people are having babies 2 or 3 and I don't have one yet. When people who were not trying are getting pregnant unexpectedly and now don't quite know what to do about it. When people who have been trying for far less time than we have announce their pregnancies. Yes, again, it is selfish on my part. But it is a desire. It is something I have wanted for so long, and now that it is a possibility... each month seems... all the more miserable.

So yes, I have struggles with jealousy. Envy. That is probably the one area of my life that I will never get over. I try. I don't stew in my envy. I try to move past it, but it always comes back. The devil knows the desires of my heart and preys on them. We each have different struggles. For me, not being pregnant is a struggle. For others, being pregnant is a struggle. Oh what a world we live in. If only all the babies could be born to those that want/ are prepared for them. If I begin thinking of all the babies placed for adoption or aborted every day it makes my heart hurt. I won't go into a diatribe on that, but I was adopted and want to work with adoptions in the future. I support adoption fully. But right now in my life, the fact that so many mothers are pregnant and choosing to place their children seems "wrong" to me. For lack of a better word. I only want one baby now. Maybe two (I would love love love twins). But it just hasn't been happening. It's been long enough that we're considering looking at other options.

What the Lord has for us will be more amazing than we can imagine. It's the waiting that's difficult.

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