I've posted a lot this week. My last week of freedom. Sigh.

I had a wonderful time with my friends tonight. I am so blessed by them. So thankful to have found such a great group to be a part of.

But now, here I sit, unable to fall asleep. I am anxious. And I know I am to be anxious for nothing and lift every little thing up to the Lord. This petition is fast growing stale one my lips. I feel like God might have different plans for me. I just need to focus on my verse for 2009. It's on the bottom of the page, but I need to work on contentment. My confidence is in the Lord. I know He will provide for me. He always has. Abundantly so. Just today I checked out bank account and it was much lower than I had anticipated. What with all my birthday hoopla and getting our cars inspected and friends weddings and birthdays. It was a busy month. I had no idea our account was getting so low. But today was payday for Matthew and since he worked lots of overtime this past pay period, it was a very sizeable check. What a blessing. Perfect timing. God is so good. He looked out for us even when we weren't aware we needed His shelter. But it's so hard to trust sometimes, isn't it? It seems the easiest thing in the world when written out. I believe in God. This is true. This is fact. I love God with everything in me. I probably don't love Him as He deserves, but I love Him the best I know how. I often get emotional while reading the gospels. Reading His birth, His teachings, His crucifixion for my stained life. There are portions of the Bible when He is speaking directly to me. The whole book is God's word, but there are portions when it isn't through and intermediary. It is straight from Jesus' mouth to my heart. The sermon on the mount for example. His teaching. Direct. Another moving passage is His prayer in Gethsemane. He prays for the church, believers to come. That is me! He prays to His Father in Heaven, on the eve of His crucifixion, for me. He thought of me that night, I have no doubt. He thought of you. He thought of every single human being. And that thought is very humbling. What does He see in me? What do I do daily for Him? How do I daily disobey Him? When do I choose not to trust this being who gave me life, have me breath, forgave my sins, offered me life abundant, and opened the door to eternity? It should be so simple. I love Him. I offer Him my very life. So why do I find it so difficult to trust Him when things don't go the way I'd prefer or expect? He is my guide, my shepherd. For I am just a silly sheep. He leads me. He knows the plans He has for me. He cares about me. Every little thing He cares about. He knows my thoughts and I can't help but think that he often laughs at my dreams and ambitions and says, "that's the best you can imagine? Just wait and see!" then He smiles down on me. His spirit flutters inside of me. And I have peace. I finally have peace.

Writing like this is good for me. It helps me verbalize my thoughts. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm thinking of feeling until it all spills out messily on paper or webpage. Then clarity enters. I can see. And I have peace. Now I can sleep. I have peace. I rest in the Lord. The Author of my life. In whom I trust. For He cares for me.

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And I have just had some (potential) good news! It literally made my whole day! Well, maybe my whole summer! I just love it when things look up. Just keep praying! God always provides. He always hears.