I just realized something I had to post. But please read my previous post from today also. It tells a little about the beginning of Matt and my relationship. This is dealing with relationships too. But not in such a happy way.

I miss certain friends of mine from certain times of my life. I wish I could go back to those times and truly appreciate those moments. Because now it feels like those friendships are faded or gone. Some quite literally, some in other ways. If I write about you, only know that this means I love you, you are so special to me, and I'll always hold a part of you in my heart.

Let's start at the beginning. Scotty, my childhood sweetheart. And when I say childhood, I mean from birth till around nine years old. I miss spending hours catching frogs, pretending we knew how to skateboard, terrorizing my cats and his hamsters, and saying we were going to get married when we were older. We had the same birthday and our parents were friends. Then we switched churches, he moved farther away, and we slowly drifted. After that we only saw each other at both of our open houses and my wedding. And I miss him. Ashley, one of the threesome in early elementary school. I don't remember how we became friends, but I do remember being inseparable. Riding bikes to the farm at the end of her street to play with the newborn kittens. Her house reminding me an old movie and kind of freaking me out. Playing kidnap in the backyard because we thought it was "cool". Laughing until we peed our pants. I miss my dear friend, Ashley, probably the sweetest most caring person I've ever met. Kayley, my awana friend I met randomly. We were closer than sisters for about three years. We didn't go to the same school so naturally we stopped hanging out when awana was over. We were unbeatable at the three legged race. We even won at the awana Olympics. We always had fun. And I miss her. Lisa, my off and on best friend for most of my life and the third member of the trio of friends from early elementary school. I don't know what happened to separate us in high school, but we had the best of times in our younger years. We even switched clothes one day and tried to convince our teacher she was Becca and I was Lisa. We are still friends to this day, but I miss our childhood when we were carefree and we rollerbladed down her old neighborhood. Seth, what can I say? I have so many memories that still make me smile. I can't help it. They warm my heart. He was always so patient. Always so kind. Always so nervous. Always so thoughtful. I really screwed that relationship up. I take 100% of the blame. But I'm glad we still talk. He is an amazing guitarist too. Seriously, you should hear his CD. I miss how it was. Skipping forward a bit, Kristin. I miss watching lost for hours because we couldn't stop to do something so silly as homework. I miss accountability where we could spend one-on-one time which is so important to me since I am a quality time. I miss fighting over jack and Sawyer. I miss Peter pan and magical moments that only happen to people who believe. I miss driving and driving and pulling over to the side of the road to stare at the stars. I miss seeing her everyday. Savannah, my partner in height deficiency. I miss talking for hours on our bunkbeds about deep sea creatures and dragons and aliens and how silly other people thought we were. I miss going to walmart and the mall and other simple things like that. We can't do those things anymore. I miss talking, just talking. About anything and everything. I miss crying. I don't remember the cause, but it was always nice to have someone just to cry with. I miss my friend. I miss living with Laura. Jumping back now, I miss playing tennis with Abby. I miss her friendship when I feel so alone here. I miss being able to talk about everyone and everything and knowing without a shadow of a doubt that no one else would ever know the words spoken. I miss living only 15 minutes away in case of emergency. I miss just being. Now it if a gift when I get to see her, all of once a year. I miss my best friend. Finally, folgers. You all knew this one was coming. Yes, you'd think I would have moved past this and moved on, but I haven't. And I don't think I ever will. Because I'll never understand what happened. But folgers, I miss sitting in the portables until 430 after school just talking. I know that boy better than anyone else because of those hours spent in junior high. I miss laughing over stupid jokes. I miss debating over stupid things. I miss going to movies and later regretting spending the money. I miss going to Applebees. I miss being so honest it almost killed me, and quite possibly him. I miss forgetting about the time and getting so sick we almost had to go to the hospital- nothing to do with drugs or drinking or anything like that, just a funny story. I miss always always having a comforting shoulder no matter what. I miss always always being a comforting shoulder no matter what. I miss the secrets that no one else knew and would shiver if they knew the truth. I miss seeing his weaknesses when everyone else thought he was so strong. I miss the sweetest presents you never would've guessed. I miss compromising letters. I miss driving with no destination in absolute silence. I miss getting so mad and getting in the worst fights, but never being in danger of seriously hurting our friendship. I miss the person I never thought I'd have to say goodbye to. I miss the person I thought of as more like a brother than a friend. I miss my old friend, folgers. I still don't know or understand what happened there.

If you weren't mentioned or you were only mentioned briefly, then I am so thankful for our friendship right now. I have a few friends that I don't feel like I have to miss. Our relationship is the same as it has been or even better. Our relationship has been maintained even through marriages, moves, and life changes. And I am thankful for that. I need some consistency in my life.

Those are the friends who at one point of another have been my best friends and I can't believe that in one way or another we're fading or dead. It's very sad to me. I have trouble letting go. But always know, that I love you dearly and I'm always hoping everything will return to what it once was. Well, except with Abby I suppose. That's just reminicience. Best friends are hard to come by. It makes me sad to look back over life and are what's missing that once was. But of course, there is now all that is and it's wonderful too.

Life is beautiful.

And terrible.

What a world.