Ever hate your personality? This semester I think I'm really going to hate certain parts of my personality.

I have been realizes just how dependent I truly am. My love language is Quality Time. And I feel deeply hurt when people don't have time to share with me Quality Time. And Quality Time to me is just sitting around laughing, watching a movie, or just plain doing nothing... but doing it together. And it seems like everyone else around me has become extremely busy. Extremely busy with others and not with me. Which I know, may be selfish of me to expect people to spend time with me... but it's part of my dependency on others.

I'm trying to become more independent. But it's super hard because most of me doesn't want to become dependent. I like being with others. I don't like being the center of attention and I don't like being a leader... at all. But I do like being included. I do like being with people. And I do like having inside jokes.

I used to like being on the outside and looking in. I'd much rather stay home on Friday nights than go to the parties with my friends. Back in high school that is. Of course, when I did venture out and go the hang outs I had loads of fun. But I was quite content to stay home with my books or my movies or just doing whatever it is I liked at the time. I must have lost motivation since then. I get bored easily while with myself. Maybe that means I'm not creative enough? There are lots of things I could be doing with my time. But I have yet to explore most of these options.

I am selfish. I am lonely. I am pathetic. All of this I know. And it is so hard for me to get out of the rut I am in and make a difference of it. I know, if I am not willing to get off my own butt and do something about it I can't really feel sorry for myself.

But I do. And I hate it.

I should be the happiest girl in the world. I have pretty much everything I could ever need and most of what I could ever want. My birth mother even just contacted me for the first time! And she's a Christian as are my birth sisters. Praise God! And that was not even enough to bring me out of this rut. I don't know if it's truly hit me yet. It was so unexpected. I still don't believe it truly was her who wrote me the letter. But it will come, I am sure.

For now, I am a sad little mopey girl who just wants a shoulder to cry on. As I have so often wished through the years, I wish I had that one magical friend. Not a friend like Jesus, Him I have and I am so grateful for it. But someone different. Much like an imaginary friend from childhood. (even though imaginary friends freak me out) It's hard to explain what I want and what I am searching for. Those of you who know me know I have wonderful friends and a wonderful fiance. It's not like I don't have any friends or anyone who loves me. Quite the opposite actually. I am greatly blessed in that area.

Really I am just having a pity party. I need to get over it. Stop rocking the boat of my own little world. It all comes back to my attitude. Which definitely needs and adjustment.

Ok. Pity Party officially over.

:)